In the spirit of the holidays—y'know, we just had the Fourth of July, and the 7th is Macaroni Day, the 8th is Video Games Day, the 14th is Bastille Day, and the 15th is Forgetful Jones' Birthday (it's a Sesame Street Character—I'm pulling this all off some random website anyway)—I thought I'd write things I enjoy giving. No clever intro here, just a good old-fashioned (we're talking put-your-coat-on-a-puddle kind of old-fashioned here) list.

1. Orgasms

I'm pretty sure you have to be dressed in suspenders and a fedora to give someone a shellacking. What can I say? I'm a giver. Sure, I like to have my share, but no reason not to share the wealth. I'd berate guys who are selfish in bed here, but if you can't help your lady friend out, I figure you're already shamed enough. A little tongue never hurt anyone, though. It's just common courtesy.

2. Puppies

I thought about putting this one at number one on the list, but then I remembered that I'm not really putting these in any particular order anyway. Besides, puppies come with the downside that they destroy everything around them and ruin the furniture. Though, I guess orgasms can ruin the furniture, too.

Also, in the name of full disclosure (and by full, I mean I'll disclose whatever comes to mind that I feel like typing), I've never actually given anyone a puppy. But I'm sure it'd be an awesome gift.

3. Links to Awesome Stuff on the Internet

You may have noticed this before at some point in my writing (if Court's really on the ball, he'll link each word of that to an article about how I'm not doing anything), but sometimes I spend an inordinate amount of time in the farthest reaches of the internet.

But hey, what's the point in knowing about all the bizarre things the internet has to offer if you can't share? Honestly, number three is really just an excuse to post my favorite new song, so I'm just gonna do that and call it a wash: http://pitchfork.com/reviews/tracks/11301-combination-pizza-hut-and-taco-bell-wallpaper-remix/

It's like crack, yo.

4. A Shellacking

As with puppies, I've never given anyone a shellacking. I don't think I ever will give anyone a shellacking. I'm pretty sure you have to be dressed in suspenders and a fedora to give someone a shellacking. Still, you've gotta admit, it just sounds like the kind of thing you want to give someone.

5. A Piece of My Mind

This isn't even true. I think people who go around all pissed off at the world wanting to yell at everyone are about as obnoxious as it comes. Sometimes it's necessary (I was banned from the Redondo Beach Sport Chalet by the manager in a flurry of cursing that I was surprised a man of his age could produce for giving him a piece of my mind about the low quality of his products and the attitude of his assistant manager), but never do I relish it.

Still, it's kind of a funny joke, because it's not something you physically give, it's just an idiom, so adding it in here demonstrates the depth of my cleverness. Jokes that have to be overexplained are my favorite jokes.

6. Links to Awesome Stuff on the Internet

Shit, did I say that already? Did you listen to the song, though? "I'm at the Pizza Hut" "I'm at the Taco Bell!" "I'm at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell!"

Whatever, I'm going to go listen to it again without you then.

One more link though, before I go: http://blogofhilarity.com/2009/07/06/repossessing-cars

Just try it; you'll like it. All the cool kids are doing it, bro.

Oh, I meant meth, but the video's funny too.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.