>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
July 31, 2005

Not to sound like a mom, but this navel piercing is out of control. It only looks good on tan, skinny girls with very flat stomachs, because pale girls with belly button piercings tend to have poorly highlighted hair and overly tight clothes. You can find them at trailer parks or in the Kansas State University area. Just kidding. Not really. I know there is at least one girl there that fits that description, probably two, but I’m pretty sure her 12-year-old sister got pregnant and the piercing fell out.

But now that we’re all finally legal to get whatever the hell we want pierced or drawn on, and it’s no longer frowned upon to get a tattoo, we’re all researching a design that is the epitome statement of our unique individuality. I think plenty of inked-up ladies will agree with me that you can easily accomplish this with a sun, star, and moon combination on your ankle. Your original idea of getting Ms. Pac Man on your ankle now seems slightly outdated anyway.

“It’s hard to believe that with today's technology, someone can still emerge from a tattoo parlor with a tweaked out, bloodshot-eyed Woody Woodpecker, smoking a blunt, and holding a switchblade.”

If you’re going to get a Chinese, Japanese, Korean, or Arabic symbol tatted on, please do your research, because while you may think you’re getting the Vietnamese symbol for world peace on the back of your neck, your dry cleaners is laughing behind your back literally, because she knows it’s really the symbol for “douche.”

I’ve noticed that a considerable amount of guys seem to be confused when they see a tattoo protruding from a woman’s low cut shirt. How can they not stare at it? Their eyes are there anyway, now they just have a bonus picture show to watch.

Remember in grade school when your classmates used to draw tattoos on their ankles those inky pens during math class? Betcha you guys looked really cool walking the hallways between classes with your one sock rolled down past the ankle to reveal a ying-yang or a flaming peace sign. Hopefully you didn’t let the Chinese kid draw them on.

But that’s really nothing compared to what us grade school girls used to do. Admittedly, most of us are guilty of using those wash-on temporary tattoos of some sports team we didn’t even know to impress the boys at the time. There we were, competing for attention of the blonde-haired, blue-eyed seventh grader wearing an LA Lakers jacket with a Chicago Bulls temporary tattoo on our upper arm. But in retrospect it was a helluva lot cooler than the one hopeless case that got her tattoo out of the box of Honey Nut Cheerios and proudly displayed Scooby Doo on her cheek…to which I use the defense that I didn’t have an older sister to teach me any better, and man, Scooby Doo used to be really cool.

And even a decade later, women are still attracting guys with their tattoos. The Celtic design on the lower back seems to be pretty common. That’s fine when you’re in a bikini, but I’m sorry (and totally mean to offend those who think it’s sexy), but when you wear a formal gown and only a portion of it shows, that’s beyond tacky. If a tattoo is the ultimate accessory, then why in the hell don’t you work around it? At least try and pretend you did. Nothing cooler than a black rose on your back and a baby pink dress strap crossing through to keep the boys coming. All I’m saying is, Barbie doesn’t need a tattoo because her ultimate accessory is Ken, and we can’t all be that lucky to get a six-pack-abed man with no penis, so we compromise, and I understand that. Just cover your tat up when you’re at a wedding, biker chick.

If a guy wears the right tattoo, it can be smoking hot. It’s got that bad boy feel the women just feed on. But it’s hard to believe that even now, with technology advancing faster and faster by the day and tattoo artists growing more and more talented, that someone can still emerge from a parlor with (and I kid you not) a tweaked out, bloodshot-eyed Woody Woodpecker, smoking a blunt, and holding a switchblade menacingly on his forearm. Forget iPods and broadband, you have to see the progress first hand to experience it.

Here’s a little advice to freshmen, I know you think you’re hot shit because you graduated high school, and got into your number one college, but getting a heart, a shamrock, a moon, a star, a rainbow, or Tinkerbell tattooed somewhere on your lower pelvis isn’t going to ensure that your “super-duper best friends forever” clique is going to keep in touch past first semester. So just remember, by the time you’re thirty and have decided to tell people that the faded horse near your navel is in memory of your childhood horse Derby, and not a wilted memory of six girls whose every existence depended solely on the next episode of Dawson’s Creek, I told you so.

I’ve gone with several friends to get tattoos and I can’t imagine inflicting that much pain upon myself. Some prefer physical pain while others endure the emotional route. Both have their disadvantages and both leave you with some type of erasable scar, but I’d rather be wounded on the inside than have the name “Ronnie” permanently penned on my left buttock.

On a completely irrelevant note, a couple of girls IMed me the other day saying how much they enjoyed my articles. Their screennames clearly indicated they were young, but when I found out they were in seventh grade, I asked them how they even found the site. I never knew that when you Googled keywords like “Orlando Bloom” or “Cougar Print background,” PIC columns appear offering it. Kids are so lucky these days, getting to accessorize their computer with icons and background colors. When I started using the internet, I had AOL 3.0. My friends were too involved with high school drama and trying to copy and paste conversations on IM between friends and crushes to bother with something as trivial as animal print backgrounds and Orlando Bloom icons. Those were the days huh? When the only thing that counted was how cool-looking the tat on your ankle was.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.