>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
May 1, 2005

There's been popular demand for a follow-up to The Chicktionary, so here it is, the list of every guy you'll find on campus.

The Kevin Federline

This gem somehow managed to land one of few elite pretty sorority girls on campus, and with time (and what can only be considered a substantial amount of stupidity on the girl's part) has converted her into a chubby, shoeless ATM machine with greasy hair. And while no one knows quite what his appeal is (besides his dance floor groove that makes Johnny Castle's moves look like the Elaine dance) she continues to stay with him, ignoring the ample, documented, photo timeline of her downward spiral. You can hear her friends say, “This photo was taken back in February—note the ringworm and cellulite in the upper thigh region.” There are a lot of wannabes out there so the rule of thumb is, you can always tell if he's a Kevin Federline when you ask what he's doing on Saturday Night and he replies with, “Making babies.”

The Meathead

When God was passing out brains he was in line for steroids with the rest of the of the Major League Baseball players. His likes include: picking fights, getting hickies from his girlfriend, and flexing. Dislikes include: reading, writing, and speaking words with more than one syllable.

The Bullshitter

Has the ability to make you think he knows what you know, when he really doesn't know what you know, but now does because he made you think he knew, and now knows you passed out giving head to his buddy's roommate. Well done. Best to just play dumb around him or go with the less commonly used by college students, but big with the celebrities, “No comment.”

The Pretty Boy

“Generally the Close Your Mouth When You Chew guy is nice… all I'm saying is, beware the guy who eats five fries and two chicken nuggets at the same time.

Your typical frat boy who spends more time in the bathroom than his girlfriend does. Is normally seen wearing nothing less than Abercrombie's new spring line, but if you're at a state school in the South, it's Brooks Brothers all the way. He busies himself with the latest technological gadgets like a two-way and will never be caught in a three-way because he's got to think about his future career in politics. This stallion is a thoroughbred and is pretty much untamable as well as unattainable for most girls. But that's okay because most girls find themselves daydreaming about tainting his taint in class and then flying on his family's jet to Italy for the weekend.

The Playboy

Here's a fun drinking game to play: set up a video camera outside his room and take a shot for every different girl who goes in there. Guaranteed you'll be drunk in twenty minutes. And that's only if it's a Monday afternoon—if it's a Saturday don't bother, you'll die of alcohol poisoning in two and a half minutes. He's good-looking and like the pretty boy is untamable—but also unlike the pretty boy he's able to get that threesome over and over again, because he's going to be an actor. Unless he dies of a massive case of syphilis first.

Gas Pass

The guy who always let's gas out in the elevator and then pretends like it's you by being really original and saying, “Do you smell that? Ugh! What is that smell? It's not me that's for sure.” Yeah buddy it hasn't been you for the past three days a week for the entire semester. I can't tell you how much I look forward to this ride every Monday Wednesday Friday on my way to class. Maybe I'll come over to your place later and leave a present for you in your toilet to show my appreciation.

The Celebrity Jock

If you go to U of I, all of your players are celebrities. But you can't be a Celebrity Jock unless you go to a Division 1 school. If you're in D3 and really good, well then you're popular but you're not going to have access to the school's jet now are you?

Mr. Dance*

The drunk at the bar who makes his own dance floor (normally the center of the bar) and tries to hump aggressively every woman who walks past him. Can groove to anything from country to techno, but has a soft spot for Disco—especially Earth Wind & Fire. His girlfriend could be puking in the bathroom and he'd still be there center stage/bar pulling out moves normally reserved for Walt Disney World parade employee's. (The waving and big dumb grins are a dead giveaway.)

*Not to be confused with the Kevin Federline

Team Hilarious

A wild group of men whose drunk antics are so ridiculously funny that the stories never get old no matter how many times you hear them. “So then I woke up passed out in a garage that wasn't mine, but I was still wasted and it looked a lot like my garage only cleaner and not so many bloodstains, so I thought I was home and went into the house where a family of five were having breakfast, and the dad pulled out his shotgun because he thought I was his 13-year-old daughter's secret boyfriend, but when I told him I was just lost, the mom felt bad and made me a plate of food. The dad kept the rifle next to him the whole time. Good eggs though.”

Ricky Ricardo

The exchange student who doesn't speak very good English. He loves Lucy reruns and his voice is slightly higher than his American friends. Always holds open the doors for the ladies because that's how he was raised. Gets really red when he drinks. And whenever he says “Focus” it sounds like “Fuck Us.”

The French Man*

Has more culture and depth than everyone in your dorm combined. Addicted to nicotine, he's most often found outside of the dorm smoking an entire pack of cigarettes and interpreting how bad the American government is…or poetry. He's dropped the beret and skinny mustache bit, but keeps the accent to woo American girls into getting them to drop their culture to insert his. Viva la France!

*French Canadians do not count.

The Van Wilder

The guy who's nowhere near as sexy or cool as the original, and yet still hasn't graduated. He's involved in everything on campus and you just want to hit him and say, “If you're going to stay here for a decade then you might as well have a six-pack—and I'm not talking about beer. And dress better or get the hell off campus! Don't you know it's sad when you're so old professors mistake you for a TA? Here's a Tara Reid biscuit, go fetch!”

Close Your Mouth When You Chew Guy

The guy who never learned how to eat his food one bite at a time. The normal person puts one piece of meat on their fork—this guy puts one piece of meat, mashes potatoes, corn, and before he swallows the chunk of bread in his mouth he inserts a forkful of high quality school food product, making it impossible for him to close and ultimately allowing you to witness his digestive system's opening act. It's gross but you can't pull your eyes away from the carnage that he's just chomp chomp chomping away at. Generally he's a nice guy…all I'm saying is, beware the guy who eats five fries and two chicken nuggets at the same time.

The Farm Boy

Is probably really tired of the joke that his first sexual experience was with his pet goat. So what if he's a little behind on the current times? He's got a solid family life. Loves his brothers and sisters…all nineteen of them. Just wants to grow up and have a family, so he goes to college and ends up living with a city boy who takes him to his first strip club and insists on covering his eyes the entire time until his buddies buy him a lap dance and the next thing you know the strippers have him down to his boxers and are riding him around on the stage like a horse. At the end of it he feels slightly used, but then realizes that's how old goaty must have felt that warm spring day five years ago.

The Skater Boy

Continues to wear his collared shirt over his hooded sweatshirts. Still living in 1995 he smokes too much weed and hangs out with the high schoolers who invade your school's property with their customized devil board on wheels. You're not sure why he's here but you're pretty sure he hasn't gone to class or showered for three weeks straight.

On a side note, I was watching the Back to the Future trilogy the other day and realized that this is 2005—why don't we have Hover Boards yet?

Okay I'm done. Did I miss anyone?

Continue the Series:

The Chicktionary – Guide to girls on campus
The Chicktionary, Part II – Guide to girls on campus (plus businesswomen)