>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
October 3, 2004

Why is it during a bar fight that all the guys involved find it necessary to alert all the chicks in the room as if their life's safety depended on it? “All women and children please disregard the display of masculine insecurity to your left. Several punches will be thrown and we're all secretly hoping that someone's going to get a bloody nose. Just stay in your seats, enjoy your drinks we'll be right back.” Then they all go outside and flip a coin to see who's going to come back a winner and who's going to go home pretending to have gotten the shit kicked out of them. That's why I think chick's views are always blocked from the actually punches.

But I'm not going to lie, watching guys lose their temper and begin to throw punches is super hot. Especially when they sweat and take off their shirts and are all sweaty. Except when it's one of those white trash fights where the guys take off their shirts and big bling-bling jewelry pops out from their pasty white necks. And they're so skinny but their pants look like they could house the Russian Circus and five medium-sized Vietnamese children. Just save it for the Springer Show. If I wanted to watch white trash and their entire entourage fight, I'll just pop in my 8 Mile DVD and watch Eminem get the shit kicked out of him while attempting to freestyle.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Sometime I'd like to see a rumble between two frats be choreographed like it was in West Side Story. “When you're a PIKE you're a PIKE all the way from you're first shotgunned beer 'til you're graduation day! Be Coooool Real Coooool.” While snapping their fingers in four equal rows, all shifting their weight to the left foot. Shuffle to the right, shimmy to the right, ring around the rosie, ashes, ashes, they all fall down. Curtain.

Okay maybe I'm the only person that'd ever like to see that or would ever buy the soundtrack.

There's a new freshman on our campus who is a total meathead. You know Joe College? Let me introduce you to Joe Meathead. He likes to start shit with everyone. EVERYONE! His new buddies, his old buddies, his drinking buddies, sophomores, juniors, seniors, chicks, bouncers, elementary school children, newborns, pregnant women. The guy doesn't discriminate, he just enjoys picking fights, sober or drunk. And he's just a huge set of guns on his arms, which makes him slightly menacing, but then he has a feminine face like William Defoe dressed in drag during Boondock Saints. So the scariness factor…yeah, not so much.

One night, the kid started talking smack to everyone, even me. This was exactly how the conversation with him went.

Me: Hey turn that song back on! We were listening to that.
Meathead: Shut the fuck up. I'll play whatever the fuck I want.
Me: That's great but you're not the fucking DJ just replay the goddamn song.
Meathead: Calm the fuck down and get the fuck out of my house.
Me: This is a frat house. You're a freshman. You don't live here. You live in the ghetto freshman dorm with your gay stuffed animals now move I'm putting the song back on.
Meathead: Don't you fucking touch the playlist.
Me: Or what, you're going to hit me?
Meathead: No I don't touch girls.
Me: Oh so you only touch guys? I'm down with that—
Meathead: No I don't fucking touch guys!
Me: No, no, no it's cool I won't say anything 'til you're ready.
Meathead: Ready for what?
Me: To come out of the closet. Secret's safe with me spanky. I promise.
Meathead: You don't want to start anything with me you son of a bitch. I'll kick your ass so bad…..

That's when I walked away and told on him. I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn't. Somehow he was able to get into the bars and started trying to fight with everyone there. It was so funny watching him walk up to one guy who wasn't even looking or talking to him and say, “Hey you want to fight me?” They guy looks at him and says, “You may be able to kick my ass, but after you do that there will the 20 guys behind you that got my back and will wail on your ass as soon as you're through with me.” And still he wanted to fight.

Joe Meathead is the guy on campus who even likes to start fights with Canadians. Our peaceful, loving neighbors of the North. What kind of sick fuck does THAT? All that meat, and no room for a brain.

That's not to say chicks aren't equally as crazy when they start shit. Have you ever seen a chick fight in a bar? It's rare, but when it does happen get the fuck out of the way. It's always the crazy chick who just snorted cocaine in the bathroom and comes out ready to break a bottle of Bud Light on another chick's head. And the fight is always over the Eminem-looking fucker in the corner who's freestyling into his cell phone.

Would I ever fight a girl? Fuck no. The one time in seventh grade I actually attempted to fight a girl (over a hair clip she stole from me, might I add) I got my ass kicked. I went to bitch slap her, but she ducked and punched me in the head and I went down, fast. Keep the three dollar scrunchie woman! I'll buy another one at Claire's Accessories this weekend. Oh, and while I'm down here on the concrete, how much do you charge for protection? You see, I'm gonna know this meathead in about 8 years and he's going to try to take the Black Eyed Peas off of a playlist—maybe we can work out a payment plan when my concussion's gone.