Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end of an era. Think back with me to a time in the distant past, way back when you first heard that 4-letter acronym that changed your life forever: MILF. Many teenagers became obsessed over the word, using it to describe nearly every mom they met after that point. But as those adolescent boys grew older, those MILFs seemed to disappear; they certainly weren't as easy to find as the Bang Bros would lead you to believe. Instead, the MILFs evolved into a new species, one which chooses to hunt rather than be hunted: the cougar.
Two cougars in the wild, blending in with their surroundings, waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting male cub.Cougars are everywhere if you look hard enough. They're at your gym wearing too much makeup and too little clothing while they walk on the near-stationary treadmill. They're at the pub on college night, leaning up against the bar trying to catch the eye of that guy with the tribal tattoos. They're at the mall, working as cosmeticians (ironic because they always look like they got blasted in the face with Homer's makeup shotgun). They're even in sports! You know the best basketball player in the world, LeBron James? Yeah, well his mom is a cougar, which she proved by sleeping with her son's teammate Delonte West. If we can't trust the wholesomeness of our athlete's mothers, who can we trust?
It's only a matter of time before older women take advantage of our boyhood dreams and corrupt us in ways I can't describe.So what happened to the wholesome MILFs that everybody loved? It's a well-known fact that 82% of guys have at one point in their lives referred to themselves as "The MILF Hunter," but this will no longer be the case for future generations. The millennial male will have to be content being "cougar bait" or some other combination of cat/food words. What kind of future are we looking forward to if all of our prepubescent boys go around bragging about getting cougar'd? That, ladies and gentlemen, is not a world I care to live in.
The problem with cougars is that guys always say they wants to experience one, but once they start getting seduced they think, "Holy crap this is weird, is neck skin supposed to hang that low??" and their once-noble quest begins to look more like a suicide mission. A night with a group of bros at an "older" club to meet some cougars will no doubt start with shots and fist pumps, but will likely end with everyone exchanging nervous glances as friends try to pry friends away from packs of slutty Betty Whites.
At this point you're probably running around in a panic, screaming at the monitor for advice on what to do, so let me tell you this: there's no hope. With divorce rates rising and old people getting on Facebook, it's only a matter of time before older women choose to take advantage of our boyhood dreams and corrupt us in ways I can't describe. The only hope is surrender: like regular cougars, these women will not go after prey if it "plays dead," so as soon as you see a drunken buzzard approaching you from across the bar, fake a convulsion—that should buy you at least 10 minutes.
The mecha-lion dresses in flashy colors to scare off competitors and prepares her poison openly.Our only hope is that they don't evolve further, otherwise we'll have 80-year-old women with bedazzled colostomy bags walking up to us at the bar asking us if we've ever been with someone…older. As long as these super-cougars (or mecha-lions, as I call them) don't surface, we should be fine. To avoid this scenario, we simply need to convince cougars to marry hipsters. It's a natural marriage really: the cougar would be happy to find somebody younger who could use the extra income, and the hipster would totally dig the irony.