>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
July 7, 2004

Dear Nicole,

How do I get my slutty friend to quit whoring around? I'm to the point I want to quit being friends with her. Is there any way to salvage our friendship without having to call her a dirty slut and ignore her phone calls?

-Caitlin

Dear Caitlin,

Just be patient, and she'll eventually contract an STD like gonorrhea, genital herpes, or the Ebola virus. That should put her skanky ass out of commission for awhile.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Do you have money? I mean, LOTS of money? ‘Cause I don't want to waste a fixation.

-Painkiller

Dear Painkiller,

Nah (although I do have a couple of college degrees I'm not using…you can have them if you want). I blame my financial indigence on corporate America. I hate corporate America. Because…well I can't remember exactly, but I think I heard somewhere that they force indigenous peoples to work in sweatshops, making mallets to beat other indigenous peoples. And I'm not totally sure, but I bet the mallets are carved from old-growth rainforest trees.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

My college roommate Billy started a website about college humor. Now he's all too cool to hang out with me and whenever I ask him for any spare change, he tells me to get a job and kicks over my guitar case….what should I do?

-G-Ave

Dear G,

Oh come on, we all know these college humor websites are on the way out. All their material is written by talentless, egotistical keyboard jockeys who couldn't identify Platonism in literary neoclassical aesthetics if you shoved it up their ass.

Sincerely,
Nicole

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