>>> Ask Nicole

By staff writer Nicole McKaig
September 8, 2004

Dear Nicole,

I‘m a freshman and it's the first week of college, what's an easy way to get my female classmates to like me?

-Ty

Dear Ty,

I don't know. But in my experience, girls aren’t attracted to guys who order huge swarms of locusts, then release them into our dorms. Thirty-seven students died of locust inhalation. The moral of the story? Don't go to college.

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

Why are fat guys picky about how their women look? How come we often see fat guys with hot girls, but not vice versa? This pisses me off!

-Peaches

Dear Peaches,

It’s a double standard, no question. Sometimes I’m walking down the street and see some fat dude with his arm around a stick-thin girl. As she struggles for air, flailing vainly in the folds of his armpit, I’m thinking, we exterminated the dinosaurs for this?

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

Why are guys suck f*cking liars and assholes?

-Shana

Dear Shana,

I think it's glandular.

Sincerely,
Nicole

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