>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
September 29, 2004

Dear Nicole,

Hi my name is Ravi and I'm living in Zimbabwe. I lived in the US for a couple of years and then moved around to UK, Spain, South Africa, Mozambique, and more recently to Haiti to be with my girl….um, well now my ex…only to find out that she's been dating someone else there for the past 5 months. Anyway I'm back and was wondering if you could post my message in your column with my email address so if there are any half-decent girls or guys visiting Zimbabwe can contact me. It's just that company this side of the world can be a BIT boring….um intellectually challenging! Oh well thanks.

-Ravi

Dear Ravi,

People date in Haiti? I thought they spent most of their time starving, performing Voodoo zombification rituals, and pimping out AIDS orphans. Not that there's
anything wrong with that. So, if you're planning a mid-semester dream vacation to Zimbabwe, ask for Ravi.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Are you gonna vote to re-elect George Bush? I mean what's a better combo than Bush and Dick?

-GOP Girl

Dear GOP Girl,

Congrats GOP Girl, I think the Bush campaign just found a new slogan! As for my vote, I'm not sure. Should I join the self-righteous, ill-informed liberals in the throws of Moore-gasm? Or perhaps align myself with the corn-fed, gun-toting conservatives down at the Feed Grange? Either way I don't want to end up like Amir, whose interest in politics is limited to necrophilic humor concerning President Reagan's nether regions.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

There is this girl that I like, but she likes another girl and that girl likes me. What should I do?

-John

Dear John,

As I've mentioned in the past, daytime television talk shows are an excellent way to resolve long-standing emotional conflicts and find contentment in honest, fulfilling relationships. Your dilemma would be perfect; audiences love guys caught in lesbian love triangles. For general reference, here are several of the most popular topics as determined by the National Institute of Unwarranted Research:

1) My 7-year-old is having unprotected sex

2) “Dat yo’ baby.“
“Dat ain’t my baby.”
“Dat yo’ baby.”
“Dat ain’t my baby.”
“Dat yo’ baby.”
“Dat ain’t my baby.”

3) Children born without a torso get Disneyland tickets

4) I used to be ugly, but now I’m a slut

5) My toddler dresses too sexy

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