>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
December 22, 2004

Dear Nicole,

I’m not completely unfortunate when it comes to looks, but I want to know how to become irresistible to guys. I’m sick of those “just be
yourself” answers. I’m not necessarily looking for a boyfriend, I just want guys to drool over me. What should I do?


Dear Diana,

Anyone can become beautiful and alluring by following in the footsteps of the top three
Tiger Beat “it” girls! As you can see, before they got serious about stardom, they were nothing to write home about. But now, men all across the country are in
love with them thanks to these simple beauty steps:

1. Rhinoplasty. If you can breathe easily, your nose is too big.
2. Breast implants. If you can stand up straight, your breasts are too small.
3. Bleach. If it's brown, flush it down.
4. Colored contact lenses. Remember: Contacts are the windows to the eyes.

Of course, this is the bare minimum. But as you can see, all it takes to get started is time, dedication, and hundreds of thousands of dollars. Good luck!



Dear Nicole,

What are the chances for a redhead who has a nice body and very nice
and is well rounded to get a beautiful and kind girl?


Dear Michael,

Since I pride myself on providing accurate, unimpeachable answers, I must ask you to re-send after converting your descriptive terms into quantifiable units. In
addition, I will need randomly selected samples from demographically similar populations living in your area. After you have gathered appropriate data using a
valid and reliable measure, I will then plug the numbers into SPSS and calculate your chances.


Dear Nicole,

A friend told me that sperm dies as soon as it hits air, could you confirm it for me?


Oh good lord.