>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
August 8, 2007

Nathan: Honestly, I would marry you.
Natalie:
Honestly, you would cheat on me.
Nathan:
Well… I never said I was perfect.
Natalie:
Yeah. And no one else did either.
Nathan:
Admit it, you like me.
Natalie:
Oh yeah. If I trusted you in the slightest I would be all over you.
Nathan:
Ouch.

Susan Priver, at Oprah.com (shudder), recently wrote an article detailing twenty questions that spouses should ask each other before getting married. And because I have a column deadline, I decided to answer all of these questions as if Susan were asking them of me.

After answering these questions, I can honestly say that if Oprah and her fellow writers have their fingers on the pulse of contemporary womanhood, then I am fucking Batman.

So, without further ado, to the Batmobile!

More than 20 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

Question 1:

What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

I pay the mortgage, the utilities, the cable and the groceries. You’re responsible for paying for the unimportant shit—like furniture and children.

“I’ve told you time and time again, I am of the menopausal religion and we believe in only one thing: bigamy.”

Question 2:

Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Okay bitch, first off, that’s two questions. Play fair or don’t play at all. Second off, you clean the inside, I clean the outside. Oh, and as goes that last question, if we are not different in our needs for cleanliness and organization, then you are one dirty whore. And I’m sure that’s part of why I love you.

Question 3:

How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Don’t worry about it. Just shut up and enjoy dinner. You don’t need to worry about where I got the money for it. What’s important is that we love each other. So shut up.

Question 4:

What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Our ultimate financial goal is to afford your future botox injections, fake breasts, fake lips and tummy tucks without going into debt. Fortunately, we got a few years before you start to sag so it’s cool. Oh, and don’t worry about how I make my money. That’s none of your concern.

Question 5:

What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Bitch look, why do all these questions have to do with money? I’m starting to think you’re a gold digger. If you’re so damn concerned with cash, then why don’t you get a real job and pay for your own implants? Ingrate.

Question 6:

How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Here’s the deal: I’m always at work. Even after work, when I’m at the bar or your girlfriend’s house, I am working. Never forget that. Oh, and you prefer to work whenever the hell soap operas and stupid shows like Oprah are on. That’s the best time for you.

Question 7:

If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

It’s fine. Just keep the blowjobs coming.

Question 8:

How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

I am so ambitious that I plan on one day making enough money to afford a wife that doesn’t ask stupid ass questions. How’s that for ambition?

Question 9:

Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Sure, baby. Umm… that thing you’re feeling, it’s called love. Yeah, that’s right. Love? My penis? What’s the difference, really?

Question 10:

Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Most of the chicks I end up in relationships with are nymphos, so I’m just gonna assume that you want it three times a day minimum and that when you’re not satisfied, you keep me from sleep by masturbating with the lights on. This, naturally, causes me to drink heavily and pass out to the sounds of you pleasuring yourself. If this bothers you, I don’t want to hear about it.

Question 11:

Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Yes. Dinner. You. You. And you.

Question 12:

Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

I got life insurance so don’t fucking worry about it. Also, I don’t know whose bong that is. Honestly.

Question 13:

What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

You have a family? Shit. Well, let me know a week in advance when they’re coming over and I’ll head over to my girlfriend’s place.

Question 14:

If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

If we have children, they’ll spend as much time as they can away from me. If that means with the grandparents, with the uncles or with the garbage men, it’s all the same to me.

Question 15:

Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Probably. Soon. I don’t know. On a scale of one to ten, one being the absolute least important and ten being the absolute most important, I would say that to me, having children is a four, putting it just below butter and just above Family Guy in terms of importance.

Question 16:

How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

This is all your problem. If you need any help, I’ll be at the office, unable to give it to you.

Question 17:

Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Shut the fuck up and get cracking on that meatloaf. The boys’ll be over for poker in an hour or so.

Question 18:

What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

As long as your friends are all females and all willing to make out with you, I’m sure I’ll be cool with it. Oh, and I need at least one good, drinking buddy who is either a diehard sports nut or comedy freak, but preferably both.

Question 19:

Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

I’ve told you time and time again, I am of the menopausal religion and we believe in only one thing: bigamy.

Question 20:

Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?

Look, you should have known that snake handling was a part of me before you hopped on this crotch rocket, babe. Now nix the questions and unzip my pants.

…Because I love you, that’s why.

Now, I highly recommend you pass this list of questions on to whomever you plan on marrying (male or female) because well, some things just need to be out in the open before the sanctity of marriage can be crapped all over with your future infidelities and insecurities. And, since you’re gonna be spending a lifetime getting all up in each other’s business, you should definitely get an early start at annoying the shit out of each other before tying the noose, er, knot.