>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

August 15, 2007

Nathan: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?
Melanie:
Why?
Nathan:
I’m doing a study.
Melanie:
Of what?
Nathan:
Of women who stay in abusive relationships.
Melanie:
And?
Nathan:
And where I can find me some.
Melanie:
It’s because of people like you that I stopped believing in God.

Men, it has come to my attention that there are many women out there who actually stay in abusive relationships for long periods of time. That means, if you think about it, you can actually find a woman to love, honor and smack around until death do you part (odds are, the death won’t be a natural one, but I wasn’t put on this planet to nitpick, split hairs or eye details—I was put on this planet to help y’all find bitches to bruise).

Now, unlike some of my esteemed colleagues, I am yet to have the pleasure of smacking a woman. So, unlike most of what I write each week, this column is not based on my actual life but rather on painstaking research. That’s right, to get this column together I actually looked stuff up and asked people questions (editor’s note: doubtful). And I have to say, real writers totally work too hard.

But I digress.

The thing is fellas, finding that perfect beater bitch is not as easy at it looks. For example, some of you may have dating standards relating to the female’s mental health and natural intelligence. You need to fucking ditch those. No naturally intelligent, mentally healthy chick will stay in an abusive relationship for less than ninety grand a year (they’ve done studies, I swear). Which is what gets you to the first and most important step of cultivating your special life partner in crime.

“Ideally, you want that first beating to be one that she could actually think she deserved.”

Oh, and not for nothing, but domestic abuse is a crime. (There, I’m absolved from any and all responsibility.)

Find Your Beater Bitch

First and foremost, you need to find a hot chick with low self-esteem. Fortunately, predictably, thanks be to God and all that, most women, no matter how hot, have low self-esteem. However, those chicks who have gone to college, were raised in loving families, and stay away from drugs almost never have self-esteem low enough to think that they “deserved” an ass-kicking. So, you’ll want to stay away from them.

Now, you may be thinking of asking, “Well Nathan, where do I find me a chick with self-esteem low enough to warrant risking throwing that first punch? I mean, I don’t want to go to jail for punching a smart chick.” And if you’re thinking that, that’s awesome, because I was totally bringing that up next.

You see guys, first and foremost, you need to get them young. I mean like 17 or so. You don’t want to hit your chick and have her first thought be, “Oh no, not again” (unless she’s referencing her father, in which case, good work). You need to find a chick who’s young, whose parents treat her like shit, who’s stupid, and who absolutely, positively does not believe she is smart, pretty or even worth a shit. If you can’t find her at the local high school or community college, try a trailer park or low-rent strip club.

Now, once you have found your girl, you can’t just start her off with a good beating. I know it’s tempting to want to smack your stupid, low-self-esteem-having girl right away, but if you smack a bitch on the first date, there may never be a second. That’s why you have to wait. In fact, you actually need to romance your new beater bitch for a while.

Love Your Beater Bitch

Your brand new beater bitch does not have low self-esteem for no reason at all. And it is your job to find out why. Abusive father? Abusive mother? No parents? Drug use? Got raped at a fraternity house when she was 15? Whatever it is that makes her hate herself, you need to find out what that is. You’ll be using it later.

Now, after you have found out why your girl does not respect herself, you need to dedicate a few months to making her feel great about herself. Buy her jewelry and clothes, take her nice places, tell her how great she is… basically, treat her like her step-dad did before he tried to get into her pants when she was 14. Only be sexier. Shouldn’t be too difficult (and if it is then I’d hate to read the column that can help your ugly ass).

After you’ve got her lulled into a false sense of security, begin to drop subtle hints about how lucky she is that you’re there to take care of her. This is when you start using her past against her. If she was raped, point out how you won’t take her out if she dresses like a whore who’s asking for it. If she didn’t get enough attention or love growing up, remind her that this is only because she is both ugly and stupid. Don’t be rough or consistent with your observations at first. (Crafting and maintaining a beater bitch is not an overnight job; it takes time.) But slowly and surely chip away at her self-esteem. If she ever gets mad or upset, remind her that you love her. Unfortunately, even with women this fucked up, you still have to tell them you love them. Sucks, I know.

Pick That First Beating

Ideally, you want that first beating to be one that she could actually think she deserved. If the chick did something heinous like break your commemorative St. Louis Cardinals World Series beer bottle, then issue her five across the eyes. Afterwards, apologize, tell her you that you love her, then blame it on her at the end. For example, you could say that when she destroys your most cherished memories, you just don’t know what to do and you get all enraged. Not only will she take you back, but she’ll probably even love you more because she knows you didn’t mean it, and after all, look how nice you’re being now (note: fellas, this is when you gotta be nice).

After getting her to accept your first beating, it’s really just rinse and repeat from there on. Just start beating her for less offensive violations and before you know it, she’s flinching every time she forgets what kind of barbecue sauce you like with your French fries.

So there you go. I know a lot of you guys are fed up with women that are unwilling to take a punch. Fortunately for you though, you’ve got me and I’ve got an internet column.

No need to thank me (say it with me now), I’m here to help.

Y’all welcome.


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