>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
July 4, 2007

Nathan: I need someone to design me a book cover.
Kris:
I need someone to clean out my chicken coop.
Nathan:
So?
Kris:
I’ll do your cover if you clean out my coop.
Nathan:
Can you draw?
Kris:
Nope. But I hate cleaning up chicken shit.
Nathan:
Well, that’s a start.

Dear PIC Readers:

A while back, I wrote a book. It’s good, I think. It made me laugh and I worked pretty hard on it. And, after I searched long and hard for a publisher and/or agent, I discovered that the psychotic memoirs and lifetime of snippets I had collected and trapped on page were not worthy of mainstream objectification. Which was fine with me. I’ve been down many streams but main was never one of them.

So I decided to self-publish and sell the thing through this here website with the hopes that you here readers would want to purchase it. Only I hit a snag. When you go to self-publish a book, you need to provide your own cover. And I have the artistic talents of a dead June bug, so I sought the help of a graphic designer who agreed to do the cover.

Only she hasn’t returned my phone calls in the last two months.

“I need some kind of black and white rendering of something really cool looking.”

So I have decided that, in the interest of getting this book published before the end of the year, I would solicit the help of you, dear readers, with the hopes that any one of you may be interested in helping me get my message to the masses.

Now, if that doesn’t sound like your cup of whiskey, that’s fine. But if it does, please read on. I really need the help and I want this book available to my readers before I shuffle off the mortal coil and/or September.

So here’s what I’m looking for.

The book is called, “The Snippets and the Impure Tour.” That needs to be on the top of the cover.

My name is Nathan DeGraaf, which needs to be on the bottom of the cover.

In between my name and my title needs to be some kind of black and white rendering of something really cool looking.

This something can pertain to LSD use, baseball, partying, homeless people and/or a mountain range (long story).

Now, here’s what you will get if you choose to accept this assignment and your work is accepted by yours truly: an autographed copy of the book, and your name on the inside cover.

Here’s what you will get if the book actually sells a thousand copies: twenty bucks.

For every thousand copies this book sells, I will give you an additional twenty bucks. It may not be much if the book fails, and it won’t be a fortune if the book is successful, but nevertheless it will be something.

Which, as I’ve heard, is better than nothing.

So, if you have any interest in participating in my literary future, please send me an email with design ideas and/or a design. My email address is [email protected].

And, for once, I am not kidding.

Thanks in advance for your help and Happy Fourth of July.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.