Brian: Would you shut the fuck up already?
Nathan: No. Not unless you ask me nicely.
Brian: Nathan would you please shut the fuck up?
Nathan: See now, was that so hard?

You might not believe this, but here at Primal Urges we are dedicated to three major things: 1) proper etiquette, 2) rampant sexual activity, and 3) getting ridiculously wasted (and I do mean ridiculously—that’s why I wrote it…we also try to write what we mean here). And so, because I don’t think that us folks at the world’s most underrated comedy site have spent enough time on the subject of proper etiquette, I am addressing this very important issue now. That’s right, the guy who brought you a ranking of his favorite blowjobs, a to-do list for an entire gender, and a five-part exposé on strip clubs will now teach you t he importance of proper etiquette and directions to accomplish same. Stop rolling your eyes, dammit. That only makes this more difficult to read.

There is one great reason on this planet to be polite: if you are not polite, Hannibal Lecter will eat you. And no one wants that. There are many other reasons to be polite, but none are more important than the fact that polite people, put simply, get laid more than other people. Also, please do not confuse “polite” with “soft.” Polite does not mean you let the guy step on your shoe; it means you use the word “sir” before you kick his ass. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I’ll spare you further details of why you need to be polite. Chances are, if you don’t know why you need to be polite, you’re probably a helpless asshole anyway and no internet column (however award-winning and fantastic) will ever be able to help you. So, we’ll just finish skimming over the “why” and move on to the “how.”

There are three major things to keep in mind when attempting to be polite: body language, tone of voice, and choice of words. Let’s explore them, shall we?

Well, come on.

Choice of Words

Whether you are speaking with a date, spouse, sexual partner, prostitute, waiter, homeless man or random superhero, your choice of words is very important. If you’re talking to a New York fireman, you may want to avoid phrases like “flash burn” and “dead New York City fire dork.” If you’re talking to our PIC editor, you may want to avoid words like “DeGraaf” and “Rebello.” Once you know what words to avoid based on an understanding of your counterpart’s occupation and station in life, you can be sure that you won’t say the wrong thing. However, you still need to worry about the tone with which you use your words, because improper tone of voice can be just as bothersome to those you care about as improper words can. (Oh yeah! Can you feel that segue? Man, that was beautiful.)

Tone of Voice

When talking to a child, a smart person will use a quiet and sensitive tone of voice. The tone with which we say things can seriously affect the meaning of what we say. For example, if I say to a woman, “I love the way that dress makes your vagina look” in a soft and gentle voice, she will take it as a compliment. If I say it with an aggressive tone, she will think a lot worse. Those, as the Man always says, are the breaks. So, to avoid being broken, you may want to make sure that your tone of voice is always calm and serene. That way, a simple phrase like, “Baby, that outfit really shows off your vagina” won’t come off as aggressive and childish. With the right tone of voice, any statement can be well-received, especially when complimented by the proper body language. (Damn, boy! These segues are slipping and sliding like a forked tongue into and out of a dirty whore’s mouth. I don’t know what that means, but man, that was awesome.)

Body Language

Three things you need to remember to make sure that your body language is perfect: 1) don’t slouch or in any other way let your body look as if it is giving in to gravity (fat gives in to gravity and we all know how much respect we have for fat). 2) Do not over emphasize with your body. Your body language should never get worked up unless your tone of voice is getting really animated. (In which case, you better be doing your Adolf Hitler impersonation because there’s no reason to over animate in polite society. Come to think of it, there’s no reason to impersonate Adolf Hitler. I apologize for number 2. Clearly, I am an idiot). 3) If all else fails, impersonate Denzel Washington. Just trust me on this. The man knows body language.

Now, we all know that I’m here to help. And I hope that by practicing the lessons outlined in this piece, a generation of men and women will see the sound reasons to be polite and practice proper etiquette. Some motherfuckers simply don’t know how to behave in goddamn polite society.

Which is why I’m here to help you bitches.

Now, go out into fucking polite society and get your goat-loving shit together.

Rude fuckers.