>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
February 21, 2007

Nathan: I know the meanings of life.
Todd:
You mean, meaning? Not meanings.
Nathan:
Dude, let me tell you something.
Todd:
Aww man, please don’t.

For years, humanity has searched to answer that most difficult question: What is the meaning of life? Unfortunately for humanity, it was approaching the problem wrong. You see, living would be rather pointless and boring if life had only one meaning. The question should be, what are the meanings of life? And I’m pretty sure that because my genius is matched only by my modesty and wit, that I am the man to explain to you, dear readers, the meanings of life.

(What can I say? I’m an amazing human being.)

To Have Sex

Sex is one of the major meanings of life. If not for sex, really, how much more would life suck? I mean I can’t count the ways. Ask anyone who’s ever had sex and can’t anymore if they miss it and they’ll look at you like you’re crazy. Hell, sex is probably the only reason men have jobs. Without it, I mean… I just don’t want to think about it. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that sex means a lot.

“We are here to enjoy life and to die. We are not here to fight over green pieces of paper.”

To Love

I mean you gotta have love. I’m not saying that you need necessarily tie it in with sex, but you gotta have love.

To Invent

If not for climate control, the George Foreman Grill, and the microwave, I’d have long ago died, either from excessive restaurant food or starvation. You gotta invent.

To Communicate

Walt Whitman once said that sex is the ultimate form of communication, but even some of the other forms are pretty fucking awesome if you ask me. I mean, if we couldn’t communicate, who would get me a beer when they were up? I shudder just thinking about it.

(Oh yeah and music and movies and art and stuff, too.)

Blowjobs

Come on. You saw it coming.

To Reproduce

It’s not enough to just inhabit this spinning hunk of clay, you gotta make sure that you leave a whole bunch of other schmucks just like you behind to fuck the place up some more. It’s divine right or something. Swear to God.

To Get Wasted

Well, that has meaning for me, anyway.

To Eat

One of the greatest things about this world is that many of the foods which taste so awesome, also help keep us alive. That’s a good system, and probably some kind of indication that eating fulfills one of the many criteria for the meanings of life.

(And no, I’m not telling you my criteria. That would make this too easy.)

To Die

Hey, everybody does it, right? How much more meaningful can you get?

In the end, we are here on planet Earth to enjoy life and to die. We are not here to fight over green pieces of paper. We are not here to worry, judge, or take sides. We are not here to form religions and governments. We are here to fuck, to invent, to communicate, to get wasted and get blowjobs, to eat and to love until finally, we die. In short, we are here for the life of it.

Oh yeah, and the bitches. We’re also here for the bitches.

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