>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
November 8, 2006
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Nathan: I would have let you guys crash on my bed, but I fucked on it two days ago and I haven’t washed the sheets yet. So you got the couches.
Ben:
When was the last time you fucked on the couches?
Nathan:
Two or three months ago.
Ben:
Yeah. I like those odds much better.

If you’re like me, you probably drink too much and have a seriously dry scalp (flaky bastard). Also, you probably like sleeping with random girls in a way that yields little to no complications and requires even less effort. Well, the secret to easy sex used to be safe with me, but I figured, you know, since Court Sullivan bothered to create this website and provide me with a deadline and everything, I might as well bust out a step-by-step solution for getting laid easily.

We all know by now that I am here to help. No need to thank me, guys.

Step 1: Arrive to the Club, Bar or Party Late

Now, this is the hardest step for me lately, mainly because I have a nine-to-five job and can’t stay out as late as I used to, but it’s crucial to culminating the one night stand. The first time a girl sees you has a serious impact on what she thinks about you. So, if she happens to have been drinking a few hours before she sees you, odds are that you will look better than you really do. The only thing better than a good first impression, is the good first impression a drunk, horny bitch has of you, so don’t rush out to get wasted.

"Don’t be a pussy, dude. Just fucking talk to her. You have nothing to lose and you may learn a word or two. "

If you don’t have to wake up early, this step should be easily achieved. Of course, you still have to pick out your slut, and that is slightly more difficult.

Step 2: Pick Out Your Slut

The other day, while walking with a buddy of mine and his girlfriend, I eyed a smoking hot, big-tittied chick in a ripped AC/DC shirt and an old denim mini-skirt. My buddy saw me eye this chick and said, “Yup, that’s a Nate girl, right there. Classless and slutty.” And he has a point, but here’s mine: for one night stand purposes, you want to find the slutty, classless bitch.

Now, here are some signs you found a slutty, classless bitch:

  • She has paid very little attention to being fashionable, yet she still looks like a whore.
  • She smokes. A lot. This is crucial because women who smoke cigarettes usually aren’t too indiscriminate about what else they put in their mouths.
  • She looks drunk.
  • She fidgets her eyes throughout the crowd of people, looking for the guy who meets her exceptionally low standards and may also have her drug of choice.

After you pinned down your slut, you now are obligated to go talk to her.

Step 3: Go Talk to Her

Don’t be a pussy, dude. Just fucking talk to her. You have nothing to lose and you may learn a word or two. Give it a shot.

After you have engaged conversation, look for the following signs: any grabbing, touching, excessive laughing at your jokes, or any remark that can be construed as positive regarding your appearance and personality. Make sure she has some interest in you before you waste any time learning about her.

Step 4: Find Out What Interests Her

And by that I mean, find out what she would rather be doing at the very moment you’re talking. It doesn’t matter if she likes jet skiing, or miniature golf, or porn… whatever it is, you must find out.

Step 5: Pretend to Have a Common Interest

If she says she loves jet skis, you own some and she needs to check them out. If she loves porn, you own some and she needs to check them out. If she loves miniature golf, you have the key to the nearest miniature golf place at your apartment and she needs to check it out. Basically, lie about having a common interest so you can get her the fuck out of the bar, party or club.

Step 6: Take Her Home and Follow the Signs

Laughter, touching, good conversation, perhaps a few unnecessary compliments: these are all things that she will do to let you know that she knows that you’re not taking her miniature golfing at 2AM. Find the right moment and make your move.

Step 7: Fuck Her

And I mean that. Seriously, fuck the ever-loving shit out of her so that she won’t forget who you are no matter how drunk she is.

And there you have it. My seven step guide to one night stands. Really, it’s not that tricky. I’ve been using this method for years. And I’m not alone. It works for many.

And now it can work for you.

Like I said, no need to thank me. Helping is how I get down.

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