>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

January 3, 2007

Dave: I wish my computer could give me a blowjob.
I think we all feel that way, dude.

This is my first column of 2007. Hopefully I won’t fuck it up.

Whenever a new year rolls around, I can’t help but think about all the inventions and modern conveniences that came about in this world just recently. For example, in the last ten years, we’ve witnessed the cellular phone become an everyday part of society. Before every single fucking person on the planet had a cell phone, people would have to make plans and get directions before they went out and partied. Now, we just make a couple of phone calls and can find our friends instantly. That’s pretty awesome.

And so is the internet, despite the fact that it’s so fucking weird.

And text messaging, which seems pointless but actually helps men and women talk about when they’re gonna meet to have sex, which is very important.

And the George Foreman Grill, which makes it possible to take a chicken breast from frozen to eaten in about fifteen minutes (depending on how fast you eat).

“I would love to be able to point a remote control at a woman and learn if she is ovulating.”

When I think about these things, well, I can’t help but wonder what kind of modern conveniences the future will offer us. And though I’m not the kind of person who’s capable of anything requiring intelligence and skill, I am the kind of person who’s capable of dreaming and hoping.

And I hope the following dreams get invented soon.

  • The Self-Cleaning Shower

A few years ago, modern convenience brought to us “Clean Shower,” a spray that essentially allows us to only have to clean our showers maybe once a year or so. And well, that is just too much work. I have better things to do than clean my shower and tub. Dammit, I’m a busy guy. I mean, football doesn’t watch itself. And how hard can it really be to invent a self-cleaning shower? I mean, showers are already filled with hot water and soap. You’re telling me the guy who invented TIVO couldn’t make this happen? Bullshit. Oh, and speaking of which…

  • The “Record Everything” TIVO

I want a TIVO that automatically records everything on television and holds it in its memory for at least a week. You see, I’m real bad about caring about what’s on TV, so I never know when the shows I want to see are on, and I always forget to record them as a result. However, if the TIVO recorded everything for a week, I could sit down on Saturday morning and plunge through all the stuff I missed. Someone needs to get working on this, soon. We’ve only got another month of football left.

  • Menstrual Radar

I would quite possibly pay over a thousand bucks for a device that can tell me exactly where any woman’s cycle is at any given time. I would love to be able to just point a remote control at a woman, hit enter, and learn if she is ovulating, menstruating or at any points in between. I honestly think a device like this could change the world forever. Furthermore, I wouldn’t go through so many bed sheets if I had one. So in time, it could pay for itself.

  • The Foreign Language Microchip

Learning foreign languages is a pain in the ass, especially for Americans (motto: we’re as proud as we are fat). If someone could invent a microchip that allowed Americans to be fluent in a foreign language, well, basically we would understand everything that foreigners are saying about us, and as such, we’d all become much better at violence, which is how we Americans get down.

  • The Workout Machine

People hate exercising because it requires hard work, improves their outlooks on life, makes them less fat, and builds character. If someone invented a machine that did all that work for them, we’d all look really healthy and there would be more hot bitches to fuck. It’s win and it’s win and all that.

  • The Self-Writing Humor Column

Maybe this one is just me, but man, you know how hard it is to come up with ideas for a column every week? It’s this bizarre kind of mental masturbation that is as frustrating as it is fulfilling. Now, I don’t know how anyone would invent one of these, and frankly, I don’t care. I just need it done, like yesterday.

I think this one is kind of self-explanatory. If you don’t understand what I mean, just shoot me an email and I’ll openly make fun of you. It’s just one of the many free services I offer.

Now, I realize that in the next ten years not all of my great ideas may be invented. (What can I say? I’m a realist.) But they should be. I mean, there is no denying that a world without dirty showers, surprise vaginal blood or language barriers would indeed be the greatest. I know it, and now you know it.

So get out there and invent some of this shit.

I’m gonna watch the game.

Happy New Year.