>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
January 25, 2006

Read more snippets...Amy: Do you want me to help you pay for dinner?
Nathan: No.
Amy: Are you sure? That’s kind of expensive.
Nathan: Shut up.
Amy: You’re awesome.

You guys are never gonna believe this, but it turns out that most women are sick of the whole sensitive-guy, metrosexual gimmick that’s been going on in this country for the last few years. Apparently, the new craze for women is to find men who behave like actual men. And because I have often been described as a typical red-blooded male, I have decided to outline for you, the confused young man, the keys to behaving like a man.

Please keep in mind, this stuff used to be basic nature for our gender (back before the whole frost-the-hair, whiten-the-teeth, tan-the-skin, and whine-about-your-feelings movement). But, for whatever reasons, men have been discouraged from behaving like we should. Dr. Phil, Oprah, the Queer Eye Guys, and a host of other influences have been trying to turn us into women for years. And here’s the kicker: this is actually pissing off women. They actually miss the meat-eating, sports-watching, joke-cracking, hard-drinking, macho morons. And fortunately for y’all, I am one of those morons. Also fortunately for you, I’m here to help. So, if you want to be a typical male, just follow the advice outlined in this piece. Think of me as the anti-Dr.-Phil—changing the world, one column at a time.

“Have sex, even if it’s not with her. This is not negotiable. If she’s not willing to satisfy you sexually, find someone who will.”

1. Don’t Have Emotions

Emotions have always been difficult for me to comprehend. I never expected the world to be fair, never empathized with the pain of others, and never gave two rat turds about being sensitive to the feelings of those around me (mainly because no one was ever sensitive to the fact that I was insensitive, and that really hurt me). Women, as a rule, are more emotional than men. Because of this, they overreact to…well, pretty much everything. And when they overreact, they need to have a man there who really doesn’t care about anything until someone gets hit. That’s where I come in. My rampant apathy, emotionless mindset, and primal ego all combine to counteract the emotional aspect of women, calm them down, and make them understand that they should shut the hell up if they know what’s good for them.

2. Don’t Play Games

Look, women play games. That’s just the way it is. It’s their job to get deeply involved in the way we think and then take that knowledge and use it to make us do what they want. This is the way it has always worked and this is the way it will always work. Now, I don’t play these games. Mainly because playing games involves learning a whole bunch about the woman in question and I usually don’t care that much, but also because their games are not fun. So, it’s best not to play. Just trust me on this. They will respect you for abstaining from the Drama Olympics and you will respect the lengths they will go to get something from you before just straight-up asking. And by the way, you can easily spot the guy who doesn’t play games. He’s the one who still has his balls.

3. Watch Sports

Most women don’t understand and don’t enjoy sports. Most men don’t understand women. By loving sports, men become part of something that women don’t get. This levels the playing field, so to speak.

4. Pay on Dates

First off, it’s only fair for men to pay on dates because of all the money that women have to spend on feminine hygiene products, makeup, jewelry, and clothes. Seriously, women burn through money like wildfire through a gas station (I mean, boom!) just to look good for us, so we may as well pay up. Second off, paying for the meal says to the woman, “The last thing I want to do is be on some even level with you where I am expected to be some kind of supportive partner. I’m gonna be a sports-watching, meat-eating, stinky-farting, callous asshole. And if you want me to change, then you can pay for everything.” I think we all know that when given the choice between changing a guy’s personality or eating for free…well, I mean, which one would you choose?

5. Get Yours

Have sex, even if it’s not with her. This is not negotiable. If she’s not willing to satisfy you sexually, find someone who will. When sex becomes some kind of possession to be bartered over, well, let’s just say that you won’t be thinking straight. And as a result of your lack of sexual release, you’ll allow yourself to get talked into shopping trips and shit. So, if she decides to cut you off, just find someone else to sleep with. If she confronts you on this, just explain to her that, “If you won’t fuck me, I’ll find someone who will.” Sex is to be expected. It is not a bartering chip. The typical male makes that very clear.

So there you go. For years, people have been telling me that I need to be more sensitive, that I need to respect the equality of the fairer sex, that it is rude to assume that a woman shouldn’t pay on dates, that I’m not emotional enough, and that I spend too much time watching sports. But, well, now that America is crawling with a bunch of spineless men who split checks, wax their eyebrows, express their girly feelings, and have half-hour long discussions on the thread counts of their sheets and the fabric of their clothing, well, women have realized that they don’t want us to be like them.

They want us to be jerks, again.

And I for one, am fine with that.