Dear Helping Paws Primates,

My name is Casey Freeman and I recently had a pretty bad accident. I broke my neck and have the scars, stories and hospital bills to prove it. I have recovered nicely, but I could be paralyzed at any minute. God forbid this ever happens, which is why I'm writing to you.

Monkey loading a CD into disc playerMy current condition qualifies me for my own helper monkey. If I fall and can't get up, that little bugger will be there to grab my phone, call my best friends and show them video footage of me laying facedown with dicks, balls and mustaches drawn all over my face. Or maybe Handsome Dinger (my monkey's Christian name) will put his own balls on my paralyzed face and pix message my parents. Either/or really, as long as he's drunk while doing it.

He can speak English, right? I want to get right into high fives, juggling and fire blowing.That's right, I know exactly how to take care of primates. I've watched all three versions of King Kong, been to a few different zoos, and roomed with a guy named Dirty Mike for a year. I live only a few blocks away from a fruit stand, so I can buy all the $.59 a pound bananas that little fucker can eat. I also work in two different bars, so I have unlimited access to booze. You read between the lines correctly, my helper monkey will never see a sober minute, just as Jesus intended, I can promise you that.

Some of my best friends are engineers, so I'll easily be able to have switchblades constructed for Handsome. I just need to know if he's going to be a spider monkey, chimp, baboon or silverback gorilla, which I would hire out to people as a personal bodyguard or construction worker.

Now I have some questions for you:

Has my monkey been to space before? If so, does he have access to laser guns?

He can speak English, right? I want to get right into high fives, juggling and fire blowing. I don't have time to teach my monkey how to talk.

Does Handsome usually drive the tank or shoot the gun? I can do both, but prefer blowing shit up.

Where is the best place to get primates fitted for tuxedos?

Can you make sure he's not that good at Mortal Kombat? I want him competitive, but not enough to beat me.

When Handsome Dinger starts throwing his poopies, do you send me the anti-diphtheria shots, or do I have to send HD to the free clinic to pick them up for me?

Thanks in advance as I'm sure this will be the perfect simian/human relationship.

Casey Freeman

P.S. Are monkeys born with the knowledge of how to play the ukulele? Or do they have to learn?

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