(KC's cell phone wakes him up early on a Saturday morning. He slumbers with his mobile because he's super-duper-important. He's asleep in his emperor-sized bed with 9,000 thread count sheets.)
KC (answering his cell): "What the hell do you want, WAM?"
EARS: He's asking us to go to the University of Colorado football game at 1 p.m.
KC: Thanks for the newsflash.
JUNK: Kind of need to pee.
KC (out loud): "WAM, I don't give a shit about football, CU or daylight drinking."
(Writer's note, I first attended undergrad at South Dakota State University and finished at New York University. I went to grad school at University of Colorado. I heart them all the same.)
EARS: Ouch. Holy shit, I didn't know WAM could yell that loud.
BRAIN: Did WAM just say what I think he said?
KC: Yeah, he burned us.
BRAIN: And I quote, "KC, someday you're going to have to learn to be less of a little bitch, drink before noon, quit being a pussy and have a good time."
JUNK: I think that was a double insult to our manhood. Let's do it.
KC (out loud): "Fine, even though I don't give a shit I'll go. I guess I'll meet you at Bones' house."
LIVER: Whoa. Hold on you bastards. We drank on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. You need to give me a rest.
KC: Yeah, we took Wednesday off. Get back to work you little bitch.
LIVER: Looks like you're pissing blood tomorrow.
(KC walks to Bones' chic bachelor pad. Bones, Vicious and WAM are there. Vicious hands KC a keg beer and a shot.)
KC (to his friends): "Shots of Jameson and beers in the morning? Come on. That's nasty."
MOUTH: Keystone Light is icky.
BRAIN: So what's the plan here? When do we get to the game? How long does the game last? Do we have rides? I was thinking of doing some stuff later.
KC: From what I understand, we drink at this house party, then go to the bars and drink and then sneak in booze to the stadium and drink some more. They don't serve alcohol at the stadium, so at halftime we go back to the bars and drink. Then after the game we drink some more.
BRAIN: Are you sure you're not just making this up?
KC: You have the same info as me, guy.
(KC takes another shot.)
KC (out loud with the rest of the crowd): "Go CU!"
BRAIN: Since when do you give a shit?
KC: When in Rome, dude.
(KC and the Gang walk to the bars. They enter K's China.)
KC (out loud): "Isn't this a d-bag bar? And what the hell's a volcano?"
EYES: That bartender just poured about three buckets of booze into that tiki-looking thing. Oh awesome, he lit it on fire!
LIVER: This is going to hurt.
KC (out loud): "We're supposed to drink all of this through a straw without stopping? This is ludicrous! There's 151 in here."
JUNK: We just got called a "Little Bitch" again. Man up and redeem me.
(KC and the Gang suck down a volcano.)
MOUTH: Hey, that was just like candy liquor! There wasn't booze in that. (Out loud) "Hey bartender, let's get another one of those and a round of beers too."
BRAIN: Um. Idea not good. I feel ouchy.
(KC and the Gang finish the second volcano.)
MOUTH: "Cough cough." That one didn't taste like candy.
KC: Dudes, I'm feeling drunk.
BRAIN: Nope. We're pretty sure drunk.
KC: Brain, doing okay? You don't sound so hot right now.
BRAIN: I, umm. Talk to Junk or somebody else.
(KC and the Gang walk down the scenic streets of Boulder, Colorado to Folsom Field.)
KC: Let's pee on a car.
JUNK: Which one?
KC: Subaru or Lexus?
FISTS: I hate hippies. Pee on the Subaru.
JUNK (urinating): Take this you granola bastards.
HANDS: Hey everybody, look at this! Somebody handed me a road beer!
MOUTH: Yay! More Keystone! This stuff rocks.
KC: Why did I not want to go to this? We haven't even made it to the game and it's already awesome.
BRAIN: Okay. Guys. Um. There's the entry way. They, um, probably might not maybe let us in if we seem, um, totally drunk. I think. So, act sober.
KC: Sober as a goat.
(KC hands his ticket and student ID to Ticket Guy.)
MOUTH: "Thish ish my ID for being a shhh-tudent. Here. At the Colorado Univershitty. Go Buffs."
BRAIN: You idiot! You're blowing everything.
(Ticket Guy waves KC in. He stumbles through the turnstyle.)
KC (out loud): "I win."
EYES: Wow. The stadium is huge.
KC: We see it all the time when we walk to the gym.
EYES: But it's bigger now.
BRAIN: Guys, I don't know if I'm going to be around much longer. But I love all of you.
KC: You're the best.
(KC and the Gang enter vibrant Folsom Field and start looking for his seats. It's now the second quarter of the game.)
EYES: Wow-ee! Look at all the yellow! Yellow t-shirts, yellow everything.
KC: Junk, what's up?
JUNK: Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I don't know if I can handle this.
KC: Bud, everything okay?
JUNK: Haha. You know that dream we have sometimes where every girl is 19-years-old, hot, blonde, drunk and dressed like a slutty cheerleader?
KC: Yeah, it rules.
JUNK: It's real. It's really really real. It's sensory overload. I don't know what to do. I've never been this happy. Well, besides being inside a vagina or a mouth.
JUNK: Every single one of these girls is a knockout. And it's not the alcohol talking.
MOUTH: Um, it's talking a little bit.
KC: WAM snuck in some booze. Let's drink it.
(KC, WAM, Vicious and Bones swig whiskey out of a hip flask.)
MOUTH (out loud): "This is the best day ever in the forever history of ever."
(The game goes on.)
BRAIN: You know, I'm just going say that some of these CU fans are fucking obnoxious. I mean, they're total dicks.
KC (out loud with the rest of the stadium): "Fuck ‘em up, Fuck ‘em up, Go CU!"
BRAIN: Wait, what? Did you just yell swearwords out loud with complete strangers while on national television? Dude, so immature and obnoxious.
KC: I know! Isn't it awesome? I have no idea what's going on. I think our team wears gold helmets and black jerseys.
BRAIN: Haha. You're right. I don't even know how to read the scoreboard. What period is it?
KC: Do we have the winning? Are we have the ball? I don't know.
MOUTH: Who fuckin' cares? We're wasted!
JUNK: I'm so impressed with this campus' girls. There's sunlight and they're still hot. But what if I talk to that one wearing the Spandex booty shorts? Will that one over there in the cut-off tank top get jealous or think we're a dick?
LEGS: You know what's getting harder to do?
KC: Not feel awesome?
STOMACH: I think it's time for more shots and, um, hot dogs.
(A big play is made by the opposing team.)
MOUTH: "Smash that motherfucker! Go team!"
EYES: Why is everybody looking at us?
BRAIN: We just cheered on the other team.
MOUTH: "Shoulder to shoulder! Go CU!"
EYES: Now people are smiling.
KC: And slapping us on the back.
STOMACH: And shaking us.
KC: Legs, run to the bathroom!
LEGS: So wobbly. Are we on a boat?
EYES: There, men's room!
(KC bursts into the virginally clean bathroom.)
MOUTH: Goodbye candy liquor and hot dogs. "BARRUUOUF!"
KC: You know, throwing up is a lot easier when you're drunk.
JUNK: Pee time!
(KC exits the bathroom.)
EYES: Look at all these people. They're all wasted.
JUNK: And hot.
EYES: Oh, there's Bones, Vicious and WAM.
KC (out loud): "Guess what, I just made room for more volcanoes and Keystone. Let's celebrate our victory."
EYES: They're glaring at us.
KC (out loud): "I mean, drown our agony of defeat."
MOUTH: More booze! Hooray!
LIVER: Guys, seriously. I'm cirrhosis-ing.
KC: Nice try asshole. I don't believe in alcohol poisoning.