Since when is NASCAR this huge trend? Since when are non-redneck, non-incestual, non-Bush voting assbags who smell like a monkey trapped in a Budweiser watching this horseshit? NASCAR is the most boring, mindless, pointless, needless, lessless waste of three hours since the direct-to-video Titanic 2: Oceans of Change.

First off, it's not a sport. Hey Cletus, do you hear me? Not a sport! Any jackoff can drive in a circle for three hours and not crash, especially since the only participants are white males. Where's the fun in that? Let's get Asians, old women with three kids in the car, 16-year-old girls driving Mustangs…. At least that would provide a challenge, and serve some entertainment value.

And furthermore, what possible athletic ability does it take to drive? At least in golf, you have to be able to swing a club and wear tight pants while walking 18 holes. What the hell do NASCAR drivers do? Do you have to work out in the off-season? Hell no. All you have to do is drive fast. Still, some people try to make the NASCAR drivers come off as great athletes. Who gives a rat's ass if a guy wins a race? That's not his victory. That's the car. Shower the car in milk.

Second, it's boring. Not quite Napoleon Dynamite-boring…


What an overrated pile of shit that movie is. My God. Was anyone else rooting for that kid to get his head caught in a toaster? And why do people think it's funny? Because the kid said “Gosh”? That's what passes for comedy nowadays. You want a comedy that will really blow your skirt up? Rent Dirty Work. That's a fucking film.


And back. NASCAR is so damned boring. Seriously, they drive in circles for three hours. How is this exciting? Can't they drag race down the Mass Pike? Or do donuts in front of Taco Bell? “Fast and the Furious” was an appalling, nearly unwatchable film steeped in homoeroticism, but it had a neat idea: street racing. I'd definitely watch some Mexican in a wifebeater and his $500 Civic, complete with $3,000 nitrous oxide exhaust careen into a wall. I'd pay good money for that.

Instead we get to watch a bunch of hicks drive stock cars around and around while an eight-person trailer family sits in the stands chugging beer and spending welfare dollars paid for by poor college students like yours truly.

And finally, my biggest problem with NASCAR is all those hockey haters claiming this redneck waste of time is going to replace hockey as a major sport. No chance. Hockey is fast-paced, fun, and requires athletic ability. NASCAR is a bunch of Southern shit, and the South is a waste of land and should be shipped to Mexico along with their Confederate flags and sister-boning. It's bad enough the South gave us Bush, now they are trying to shove NASCAR down our throats? Well not me. Fuck the South. You lost the Civil War. You are our bitch. We wanted you to be industrial, and we kicked your ass for having a smart mouth. Go sit in the corner you ugly, inbred assholes. And take your lame-ass “sport” with you.

The Blue States.