1. I'm tired of my tax dollars paying for other people's birth control because…
- I'm not having sex with them.
- Something something the Bible.
- You're going to make me pay for your kid's food anyway.
- I'm a professional pull-out method instructor and I'm losing clients.
2. I think sex education should be banned from schools because…
- I can't wait to be a grandparent.
- My child has no genitals and talk about sex greatly upsets them.
- God hates giggling.
- I'm a private sex educator who gives lessons in my van.
3. I think abortion is wrong because…
- I'd rather we just give away free birth control and/or have people spayed or neutered.
- I've been saving up all this welfare money for your little miracles and I'd hate not getting to use it all.
- Dead baby souls will seek revenge.
- It's hurting my child labor camp.
4. I'm not going to pay for your six starving kids because…
- I bought you birth control.
- I advised you to get an abortion.
- Poor kids lead exciting criminal lives.
- They're going to rob me anyway.
5. I think sex education, birth control, and abortion should all be outlawed even though I also hate welfare because…
- I eagerly await the first season of the reality death match show "Orphan Thunderdome."
- Fuck 'em.
- My parents beat me with a bible when I was a child and I ate worms with my 27 brothers and sisters and we turned out fine.
- This is the first time I've ever had all those thoughts simultaneously and realized that I should probably just pick one and shut up.
6. I'm against gay marriage because…
- I want them to learn from our heterosexual mistakes.
- I prefer them single, cruising me in the gym locker room.
- Their combined knowledge of interior design is too fabulous for one house.
- Then they might move next door to me and… I mean, it's still contagious, right?
7. I think marijuana should be illegal because…
- It makes hippies smell worse than usual.
- I'm publishing an anthology of poorly written high school term papers on the benefits of hemp and the secret agendas of greedy corporations.
- If we legalized it, rap musicians would run out of stuff to talk about.
- Doritos are being hunted into extinction.
8. I think I should get free money from the government because…
- I have no idea how the economy works.
- Something something evil corporations.
- It would be awesome.
- Remember that time when I asked if I could borrow five bucks for a box of rubbers?
9. Dear conservatives, why don't you just…
- Loan us five million bucks for a giant box of rubbers?
- Quit being so stingy with the cheese?
- Get high with us once in a while?
- Stop fucking up the country?
10. Dear liberals, why don't you just…
- Get a job and buy your own goddamn baby food?
- Buy some guns and do what Jesus tells you to?
- Quit being such hippie fags?
- Stop fucking up the country?
11. If I were president, I'd put a stop to…
- The queers.
- Colored people.
- Actual problems.
12. The best way to prevent terrorism is to…
- Search every butthole.
- Film everyone in x-ray porn.
- Check Facebook for questionable status updates.
- Bomb fewer countries full of terrorists.
13. In order to prevent the moral downfall of modern society, we should…
- Execute all people with suspicious hairstyles.
- Build a giant robot named Super Leviticus and let it make all the laws for the country based on complex biblical algorithms.
- Give witch-burning another try.
- Force all elected politicians to eat their wives' pussies on national television to prove their unfaltering dedication to the sanctimonious tradition of heterosexuality. Female politicians will be forced to blow their husbands, and then will be fired because we don't vote for sluts.
Congratulations, you passed/failed (circle one) the quiz! Kill yourself.