I'll admit, I have faked many things in life: my knowledge on anything political (at the last election, I voted straight Whig Party); my ability to speak Spanish (burrito, casa, Selma Hayek); how to fix that rattling sound in my car (clearly, it was the dubilator, I don't care what the car mechanic said). But nothing have I faked more than an orgasm.

Woman's fake orgasm face
And the award for Best Actress goes to…
I have faked an orgasm in every way it is possible to fake an orgasm. In a car, at a bar. Me on top, with a cop. Day and night, black and white. I'm like the Dr. Seuss of faking orgasms. I could write a book, complete with colorful illustrations. It probably wouldn't sell at most bookstores though. Well, children's bookstores. Probably one of those bookstores where the windows are blacked out and you have to go behind some type of curtain.

I know I'm not alone in this; most of my female friends have similar Wargasm stories. It's not for a lack of trying. I've gone in with every intention of getting off, my troops ready for battle along the front lines. I've even come (no, not that type of come) with a backpack full of ammunition and supplies: my lube, my vibrator, and my entire DVD collection of all movies starring Christian Bale. It's not for lack of enthusiasm and willingness to try. Most guys, as I have found through talking with other women, don't know what the hell they're doing down there. Seriously, do you know where the clitoris is? It's about three inches from where you think.

Not only are we fucking with no finish, we now have to go that extra mile to avoid bruising your delicate ego.Guys, I'm going to help you out here. I'm going to go against Woman Code and tell you how to spot a fake orgasm. To be honest, this is more for the potential women you hook up with in the future than yourselves, so really I'm doing a service to both sexes.

Clue #1 She's Faking: She Comes Within the First Five Minutes

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: it takes a lot longer for a woman to reach the point of climax than it does a man. Women require foreplay. And in some cases, fiveplay. Maybe even sixplay. You gotta run the car a little bit before it heats up. I'm not saying you need to wine and dine us, I'm saying you need to at least put in some lip service. And by "lip service," I don't mean we need you to tell us how pretty we are or how insightful this morning's episode of The View was. The last thing I want to think about when I'm naked and spread-eagle is Whoopi Goldberg. I mean a little making out, a little groping.

Woman in a bathtub having an orgasmIf you are with a girl and she comes within minutes of having sex, oral or whichever sexual method you prefer, she is faking it. I know what most of you men are thinking: But what if I—-No. She's faking it. She either wants to make you feel better about yourself or she wants to get it over with so she can catch the last five minutes of Conan.

It's not your fault you've been fooled into believing she really just arrived, so to speak. The porn industry has done a great disservice to women: it has made men think that it is entirely possible for us to come just by sticking it in. All lies. Remember that. Just as most things in life, rewards are obtained by hard work and effort. Such is the cause with the elusive female climax.

Clue #2 She's Faking: She's Really…Excited

I love a good performance as much as the next person and trust me, some women can put on one hell of a performance. The thrashing, the moaning, the hair pulling. The trouble comes (again, not that type of come) in determining if you really just made her entire body go numb or if you just made her a front-runner for the Oscar for Best Actress (in this case, men, it is NOT an honor just to be nominated). Not only are we fucking with no finish, we now have to go that extra mile to avoid bruising your delicate ego. If I wanted to work that hard, I would've stayed home and actually learned Spanish.

But how to tell the difference between a performance and the real thing? This can be especially tricky, as some women are screamers, some are whimperers, and some are silent. I can't even say to simply look at her personality, because some of the shyest, quietest ones are the loudest. The important thing is to look for keywords. Imagine you are typing what she says into the Google search engine. That feels good. Google search results: real orgasm. Oh yeah, right there. Google search results: real orgasm. You're so big, you barely fit. Google search results: hahahahaha, fake. You're the best I've ever had! Google search results: yeah, you wish.

Google sex results 

Clue #3 She's Faking: She Comes All the Time

If you are with someone on more than one occasion (some call this a relationship, some call it a fuck-buddy, some call it a mistake they made over and over again for three years. Wait, where was I?), then this one is more applicable to your sexuation. I don't care who she is, no woman comes every single time. If you find yourself saying, But my girlfriend does! She's faking it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, when I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come. Sometimes, however, I end up showing up really late…or I get too drunk and forget to show up at all. The same could be said for my orgasm. Sometimes I need to polish myself off in the bathroom afterwards under the guise that I'm peeing. Sometimes I'm so exhausted from pretending that you satisfied me, I'm ready to just roll over and call it a night.

RSVP yes or no

Once you've faked an orgasm with a guy, you have to fake it all the time. Because if you fake it twice, then decide to stop, you're going to raise some red flags. I mean, I've fake-fucked my way through entire relationships with the guy being none the wiser (I've now made every guy I've ever dated who is reading this suddenly begin to question his sexual abilities. You should. You aren't as good as I made you believe you were. I deserve an Oscar. Or at least, a Golden Globe…you, on the other hand, should learn how to handle my Golden Globes).

Seriously guys, it's not a Rubik's Cube. It's a vagina. If man can invent the wheel, discover penicillin, and allow Dane Cook to have an acting career, he can sure as hell figure out how the female anatomy works. Don't be afraid to ask questions, ask for tips, ask for a diagram. An orgasm is a big thing in a relationship. Or a memorable one-night stand. Would you want to continue screwing someone if you never orgasmed? No. So why would we?

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.