After taking a couple of years off from writing to learn and grow (aka do some [a lot of] illegal substances, and make some [a lot of] poor choices), I've decided to give the old column a reboot.  And also, Court, my editor/best friend/true love/archnemesis wouldn't leave me alone about it.

Seriously, it got to be embarrassing.

I'll always have my life-size Taylor Lautner cardboard cut-out, but now I don't forcefully introduce him into all of my sexual encounters.The sky-writing plea was definitely inventive. I was actually really high at the time and hallucinated myself into The Wizard of Oz. The poppies were pretty cool, but when the Lollipop Guild tried to persuade me into an elicit five-way with Glenda, the Good Witch of the North, things got a little weird. Weirdly awesome. Anyway, the sky-writing thing: thumbs up.

But the time he asked to meet for drinks and I woke up three days later in Rio de Janiero, next to him and the giant Jesus statue…no thumbs up. But also, no thumbs down either, because I really like the tattoo that I don't remember getting. I only know because of the pictures, but I'm mostly almost positive I made several of said poor choices over the course of those three days because of the Rohypnol. And the stuff Court dosed me with didn't help matters. So many poor choices, like agreeing to sing "Ebony & Ivory" with him atop the stage at some bar that was "allegedly" not a karaoke bar. And also, it wasn't a stage, it was "allegedly" just toilet seats in the men's bathroom. Actually, you know what? I know I don't remember everything super clearly, but I feel like I had a pretty good time. So I'm gonna go ahead and give it a thumbs up, as well.

Well played, Court. Well played, indeed.

Statue of Jesus weeping with sky in background

I assume the most important thing to begin with in coming back from hiatus would be to update all three of you on my life. I guess to start, I should probably tell the biggest news of all: I am SO totally over any and everything Twilight-related. I mean, I'll always have my life-size Taylor Lautner cardboard cut-out, but now I don't forcefully introduce him into all of my sexual encounters. Just some of them.

I'm also a homeowner now, which is terrifying in its own right. Having spent the majority of my years in an apartment setting, I found the idea of not having immediate neighbors to either A) hear my screams while I'm being murdered or B) be murdered first, while I hear their screams and am able to escape, entirely unsettling. Which is exactly why I've set up an elaborate scenario of Home Alone-like booby-traps all over the house. (Haha, booby.)

In addition to becoming a property owner, I am now the mother of two. One boy, one girl. Blue and Rue McClanahan. They're dogs.  I also might be a creepy old dog lady one day who lives alone in a hoarder house, full of old copies of Good Housekeeping (non-ironically) and used coffee filters (which I stole from the neighbors to use the grounds in my tomato garden).

Oh, and recently, I started binge watching The Walking Dead on Netflix and I know I'm not completely caught up with what's currently going on, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: I would totally bang Rick Grimes. He's like the Jack Shephard of Lost. Or the Max Evans of Roswell. Or the Mulder of The X-Files. Or, if I'm really being honest, the Tommy Oliver aka The White Ranger aka The Green Ranger of The Power Rangers.

Finally, and quite frankly, my proudest moment over these last few years, is something… well… someone I hold very dear to my heart. That's right. I've amassed a complete, up-to-date in real time Taylor Swift Anthology, that is, admittedly, my greatest achievement. And also, my saddest. Complete with handwritten lyrics to every song, courtesy of yours truly. Along with crayon illustrations that I colored while I was really high.

So as you can see, I've been pretty busy these last couple of years. Lot of new faces, new experiences, and new restraining orders brought against me from Christian Bale; but I feel this article does a good job at summing all the important things up.

Oh wait, I have one more thing. I'm at a really awesome job right now that provides really awesome health insurance. And they don't drug test.

Welcome back, motha fuckas.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.