Hey future employers. How's it going? I see you're researching me for a future position in your company, firm, school, or burger joint. I just want you to know something. Yeah. I've drunk alcohol before. Give me a fucking break. You haven't?

Casey Freeman with Coors LightsWhat do you want? A total fucking boner working for you? Or a guy who knows how to work hard and play hard? I can sit back and have a beer or two on a worknight. I should know, because I did it all through my last job. And college. And grad school. Sometimes I'd sneak off during lunch with the Mexican janitor and slug a few shots and then return to my desk. Who hasn't?

Know what? I've smoked weed before. Haystacks of it. One time I ate an entire pot brownie and THEN went to work. And I did an acceptable job. So fuck you for judging me.

Honestly, do you want some jackoff working for you, or do you want somebody who can party down all through town?And guess what else? I've done even more drugs than just weed. Name one. I've probably done it. Unless it's like crack or heroin. I don't do poor people drugs. That's just not how I roll.

You know how I do roll? Banging chicks. I'm no superstar or anything, but I've laid my fair share. I know that you, as my future potential employer, are checking out my Facebook page as I write. Every so often I get one or two girls I've boned in the same "People I'm Friends With" section. So there you have it. I've banged women I'm not married to. And I've banged women married to somebody else. Deal with it.

Because honestly, do you want some jackoff working for you who spends his weekends watching Friends reruns and inventing new ways to suck up to you? Or do you want somebody who can party down all through town? Somebody who doesn't care if you're skimming off the top because he's in the mailroom FedExing himself a lifetime's worth of Post-It notes. That's me, baby.

Just think, there will be a Christmas party sooner or later. Do you want to hang out with the guy who's always on time and asks to write more TPS reports? Or do you think you're going to want to hang with me, who'll do blow off of a stripper's ass on the Xerox machine? That's right, bro (can I call you bro?), I'll let you photocopy that shit. And if you want to put a black-and-white copy of my dong on the hot intern's desk, see if I give a fuck. Sexual harassment is for fuckwads and liberals.

That's because I don't give a shit about my past. It's in my past. What you need to look for is your future. My future. Our future. You have a few choices for your next loyal coworker. That Asian chick (not a hot Asian chick, just a regular boring old Asian chick). That guy with his mom in his Facebook profile pic. Or me. Want to see some awesome photos? Check out my album Vegas Deth Trip 2010. That will straighten your dick out.

So what'll it be? Me? Or those fucking tools?

I know you'll make the right decision. Or, you can go fuck yourself.