>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 115 – February 6, 2005

“Banned In 38 States”

Now Playing: “The Wind” by Cat Stevens

Every college student living off-campus will at one time or another experience the joys of having a break between classes. I'm talking about a break that's too short to be worth going home for, but too long to simply ignore. Many young collegians deal with this problem by chillaxing with their friends, but if you're reading this column chances are you don't have that luxury. You're probably also upset by my use of the word “chillax,” and I don't blame you. Luckily, there are plenty of fun and/or exciting ways to spend a college recess, and here's what happened:

-Molest the Nappers: Every school has one unreasonably loud area with comfy couches where attractive girls will lie down for a nap. It's always some lobby by the busiest cafeteria or a room above the campus bowling alley. How do these girls sleep with all that hustle and bustle? They must chug full bottles of NyQuil to put them out like that. You can work this to your advantage by groping, undressing and posing these girls in any manner you wish, because they obviously aren't waking up anytime soon. It's like spending recess with a whole army of life-size Gumbys.

-Read the Campus Newspaper: Our campus rag is called “the Martlet” and I believe it to be the acme of journalistic achievement. It's got everything: left-wing bias, spelling errors, editorial cartoons that no human being understands… the works. Heck I could spend my entire recess just re-reading the Martlet comics, which make Calvin & Hobbes look like Marmaduke. (Sample punchline: “Just because we're roomMATES doesn't mean we're MARRIED!”) While your college newspaper may not contain that level of hilarity, at least you'll be kept up-to-date about the goings-on around campus, such as which shitty band you've never heard of is playing at what hole-in-the-wall bar next week, and which professor just had a back-alley abortion.

-Masturbate in the Handicapped Washroom: Accessibility is very hot nowadays, and many campuses have responded to the growing cries and one-beep-for-yes's of the subhuman cripple by installing not just handicapped stalls for the disabled, but entire private handicapped washrooms. I assume it's to keep these people out of the regular people's washroom, so we won't have to see them take out a colostomy bag or pee out their ears or whatever the hell handicapped people do. But on the plus side these washrooms are probably nicer than the ones you have at home, and they offer a relaxing place to relieve yourself after you're through feeling up the nappers. And nothing turns me on like the thought of a quadriplegic taking a dump.

-Shoplift from the Cafeteria: Campus cafeterias are notoriously unguarded, the only employees being old wrinkly ladies in hairnets and one burly, unreasonably hairy man. What are they going to do about it? By the time you help yourself to your 200th free slice of pizza you'll probably by looking for a new challenge, in which case I suggest trying to steal a periodical from the library. Fuck that place is harder to break out of than a Chinese finger trap on the penis. Wily librarians.

-Visit the Gym: If you're a regular reader of this column then you're probably already a fitness afficionado. So what better way to spend recess than like you did back in elementary school, by running randomly and without purpose for a half hour or so. Only this time, you won't be doing it outside with other people. Instead, you will be running on a treadmill, which is the closest humans have come to approximating a hamster wheel. After you're through, you not only will feel like crap but you'll also smell extra ripe, which ought to make you a hit with the ladies in your next class. And don't even talk to me about using the gym showers. The day I shower with other men is the day I get sent to prison for writing obscene humor columns.

-Fake an Incurable Illness: Recess is the perfect time to put Campus Health Services to the test. After all, you paid for these quack doctors with your tuition money, so why not give them something to do by inventing an aggressive, incurable disease and maybe scoring some free prescription drugs in the bargain? The best part is, since these doctors get paid per patient, there's no way they'll call you on your fake-out (“Hey! You don't have leprosy!”) so you can take your lie to ridiculous extremes without any fear of getting caught. I've had so many complimentary brain x-rays I'm starting to develop superpowers.

-Suck Up To Professor During Office Hours: So you want an A+ without doing any work, but you don't want the rest of the class to think you're a tool? Then visit the loneliest creature on campus, the professor, during his office hours. It's important here that you display an interest in the subject the prof teaches without burdening him with questions. Pretend it's just a friendly visit, that you found the class so darned interesting you just wanted to thank him and you're thinking of maybe getting a graduate degree so you can become more like him or her (but probably him). I guarantee your next term paper will get a better grade than you deserve, but you'll pay for it with your soul, which will shrivel up like a raisin after 15 minutes of mindless professor-chat. Also you'll probably go to hell for this.

-Pretend to Talk on Cell Phone: It's a well-known fact that talking on a cell phone instantly implies an aura of importance. This works even better if you sound really angry on the phone, as though you're some sort of businessman negotiating the rest of this analogy. Of course, you're NOT a businessman, and you probably don't even have anyone to talk to, but nobody needs to know that. Just yell random instructions into your cellie (“Buy! No, wait, Sell!”) and all the girls will be impressed and want to sleep with you. Be sure you set your phone to vibrate first, though, or you could find yourself in an embarrassing spot in the unlikely event that your phone actually rings while you're pretending you have a life. Trust me on this one.

-Visit Campus Computer Lab: The campus computer lab differs from a CyberCafe in two ways. Firstly, everybody there is checking their hotmail account and not playing Doom3. And second, there might even be some girls there. The campus computer lab is one of the easiest places on campus to score a date. All you need to do is break the computer beside the one you're using, and when a hot girl tries to use it but can't, suavely solve her problem for her. She'll be eternally grateful and chicks swoon over a guy who knows his TCP/IP protocols. They did a story about it in the campus newspaper.

-Atone for Your Sins: If you really find yourself in a bind, head on over to the campus interfaith chapel and pray to Jesus, Allah or Hannuklause to pardon you for reading through this column. You'll probably see me there asking forgiveness for writing it.