>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 48 – September 7, 2003

Now Playing: “Stuck on You” by Lionel Richie

This edition of Text-Heavy needs no introduction. I've been waiting all summer for this issue. Here's what happened:

-A new school year has begun, and everything seems somehow different. Maybe it's just that I'm a year older, but things seem to have changed over the summer. Except for those RAs that write your name on a construction paper cut-out of a duck and glue it to your door. Those are still the same.

-It took a full week, but I finally have the internet again. Coincidentally, that's also the MSN screen name of everyone I know.

-What do you buy a college student who already has everything for his birthday? Louder speakers.

-Quote of the Moment: A drunk student to his RA: “Hey, I remember you! You're the person who took my beer last night!” I think I've just found my new best friend.

-There is nothing more depressing than waiting in line to buy textbooks. The lineup always curls around the store five times like an Ouroboros. You're holding 4 paperback books totaling about $500 in your hands, flipping through them nervously and thinking: “Yeah, like I'm going to read any of THIS.”

-Signs You Go To A Lameass School: One of our Frosh Week activities was (seriously) ‘Downtown Day'. This is the day where all the freshmen are lead onto a bus and then dropped off in downtown Victoria so they can “explore the city”. This school couldn't be any less party-oriented if our Frosh Week consisted of crochet lessons and T'ai Chi.

-I think that this school brought in some expert to train the RAs this year. They're way more anal-retentive than last year. I mean, if we can't drink beer and do drugs on a bench outside without being hassled ad nauseum, I don't think there's really even a point in being here. Maybe they should go back to making construction paper cut-outs with people's names on them and leave me and my booze alone.

-You know what's fun? Going to a dance club and drinking with your friends. You know what's not so fun? Going to a dance club and drinking so much you pass out on the cigarette machine and get kicked out by the bouncer and then have to take a cab home by yourself and then you wake up 2 days later and you're still kind of drunk. Trust me.

-Signs You Go To A Lameass School, Part 2: Even on the first week of school before classes had begun, the RAs attempted to enforce Quiet Hours at 7pm. Yes, you heard right. I think next year, while every other college is having live bands and keg parties, my university should host a big Magic Card tournament, because it would still be a step up on the coolness meter.

-Whenever professors take attendance, they always ask me how I want my name pronounced. “Emmanuel? Do you prefer something shorter? Like ‘Manny' or ‘Emman' or ‘Nuel' or anything? Do you pronounce the ‘E' or is it just ‘Manuel'?” And then they get really pissed off when I tell them I don't care. I think next time a professor asks me how I'd like my name pronounced I'll answer “Gerald”.

Return of Back “2” School Superspectacular, Part II >>