By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 49 – September 14, 2003
Now Playing: “Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress” by The Hollies
The response to last week's triumphant return to school edition was so enormous (at least seven emails were not direct death threats) that we at Text-Heavy decided to add a sequel. We have also decided to start referring to ourselves in the first person plural, but only for the remainder of this paragraph, so don't worry. Here's what happened:
-Ok, guys, if you want to hook up with someone, here's what you gotta do: First off, meet them during the first week of school when you're really drunk. Don't make a pass at them, so they'll see what a gentleman you are. Wait a week before going to see them again, and then tell them you can't remember their name. Also, mention how you thought they were more attractive when you were inebriated and it was very dark. It didn't work for me, but I think it's all in the delivery.
-Hey, fresh-men and -women! Here's a great and original way to decorate your dorm rooms: Put up Christmas lights all around the edge of the walls, and leave them up all year 'round. You'll be the only one, I swear.
-More fun and original ways to decorate your dorm room that nobody else has ever tried before: Put up pictures of your friends from high school on the bulletin board. Make sure you have at least a dozen from prom night, including a framed picture of your prom date whom you no longer talk to since s/he slept with that cheap tramp or man-whore at the after-party. Later on in the year, put up pictures of your dorm-mates drunk.
-Are there any college students out there that actually have a working printer with full ink cartridges? And if so, can I borrow it to print something out for class? It's really short with no color pictures, I promise.
-Quote of the Moment: I have a professor who is very sensitive about offending people. Before she showed us a movie, she warned: “There is a scene in this movie of a man shooting a deer, so if anyone wants to leave, go now.” Whoa! A man shooting a deer? I'd better get some Parental Guidance before watching this movie. The weirdest thing is that it's a poetry class, and I still don't know what the movie had to do with anything. We might as well have watched “Deuce Bigelow”.
-How many fucking people are named ‘Matthew'? Every time a professor takes roll call and says the name ‘Matthew' about 40 people's hands shoot up all around me. Even girls.
-When you have a class at 8:30am, you notice some interesting trends. About half the girls show up with their hair perfectly straight, wearing jewelery and sundresses and makeup like they've already been up for 4 hours. The other half are in class wearing their pajamas, holding a cup of coffee and a low-fat muffin close to their face so nobody notices the giant bags under their eyes. And the guys? They're still asleep in their nice warm beds. I think I'm the first male student to ever attend an 8:30 class. There should be a plaque or something.
-I'm still getting re-adjusted to not having a car. Life's so much more difficult when you're not driving. Like, let's say I want to go buy groceries and beer. Back home, I would just get in my car and drive to the nearest grocery store. Out here, I have to go to my next door neighbour under some false pretense (“So, how was your day?”), whine about how tired I am for five minutes, and then have him drive me around town. Is there no justice?
-I think the people who stand around outside campus handing out flyers for an upcoming political protest 80 miles away on a school night would have better success if they just threw them on the floor and some curious passers-by happened to pick them up. Or if they were even remotely attractive and wearing deodorant. Either way works.
-And, finally, I need to get a job so I can pay for my horribly extravagant fabulous lifestyle. So if you know of anybody on the West Coast who's hiring hack comedians, let me know. I typed it in to Monster.com, but so far, no leads. People always blame the economy for the lack of jobs out there, but I know some people who are majoring in economics, and they're really quite nice. They don't deserve the bad rap. I think, just once, we should blame some other field of study for the bad job situation. Think of the headlines: Unemployment up 6%. Thanks a lot, Women's Studies.”