I am suing the crap out of Dunkin' Donuts. I don't really have a choice. Their coffee burned my soul, and they are going to pay.

Starbucks vs. Dunkin Donuts coffeeEarlier today I made the switch from Starbucks to the evil empire. It was not by choice. I loved my little local Starbucks, my old javararium. It was a place they used to write my name on the cup to make me feel at home. I already miss the day-old scone samples that used to be the perfect compliment to my little $5 liquid miracle. In the last 24 hours my taste in music has died since I now have nobody to tell me who's trendy. Unfortunately, greatness is expensive and since I am unemployed—the infancy of a legal career—I had to make the switch to the company that still has the nerve to sell its donut waste under that cute and cheeky disguise.

It was now 4pm and I had spent $314 on coffee alone today. My teeth are officially gone.Defrauding donut lovers, however, is the least of this company's less than delicious deceptions. The real crime is the brown, radioactive substance they call coffee. This is no ordinary, caffeinated mud. There should be a disclaimer on the cup. I know what you're thinking: "This sounds just like the poor old lady who had her private parts singed off by McDonald's." You'd also probably add that because of cases like that, all establishments put warnings on the label. The problem is that all Dunkin' simply tells you is that your coffee is hot. That is the least of your concerns. A mere flesh wound, even in the most precarious of places, does not compare to the psychological and senseless mindfuck this product is about to perform on you. I want the label to say something like "Caution humans: This beverage may make your ears bleed."

Huge Dunkin' Donuts coffee
Also used for storing grain.
There was definitely a language barrier this morning when I ordered my drink. I'm used to consuming coffee that is measured in starbucksese. Apparently, I speak fratalian because when I went to order a large, which I have been told is the equivalent of a venti, the cashier brought me a trough. I went to lift my beverage only to discover that it comes with a searing pain in my groin courtesy of a hernia. I need my caffeine fix though, so I simply bent over and started lapping up gallons of coffee. Amazingly, I finished the coffee silo in about 5 minutes and discovered that I had a taste in my mouth that I hadn't experienced since the time at Uncle Oscar's farm when I was curious about cow chips. Yet, I had the strangest feeling brewing inside of me: I needed more—a lot more.

I pointed once to the counter for a refill and the Donuteer topped me off from the industrial-sized coffee pot, followed by a bucket of sugar and a gallon of cream. I paid the $2 and irresistibly dove back into the slop. It was now 4pm and I had spent $314 on coffee alone today. My teeth are officially gone due to the rotting from the sugar. Thank God. They'd probably be black anyway and they were interfering with my most recent breakthrough on the meaning of life. Of course, I am legally insane now, but that's okay, too. You could never know what I know without losing your mind.

Of course, I know you are reading this Dunkin', wherever you are. I realized you were watching me sometime around my 35th refill. We both know that you don't want to take this to court because I would ruin you. I'll take $10 million. We will meet by the Baskin Robbins dumpster (that's connected to your store for some reason) at 8pm. I'm going to need cash. I can't have the government knowing any more about this. They already know too much with the chip they put behind my ear. That's why I'm going away for good to a place where their tracking lasers can't locate me. There I will be able to complete my research and change the world.

Shit, I've probably already said too much. It's too late now though. You should be ashamed of yourself for recklessly promoting this stuff as coffee. But seeing as how I have a long ride ahead of me and will likely be thirsty, why don't you go ahead and bring me one of those coffee pots filled to the brim as well.

See you at 8.