deer court,

yo i lived in the South Bronx for da las 10 yrs an i ALWAYS got my shit packed waisthigh man…….pickd up this SW33T A$$ beretta bout 2 yr ago an i gotta permit an all dat shit. last month tho man, no wat i'm sayin, move down da WV an i heard all these peeps talkin bout shottin up some deer an shit, cuz i live wit all deez country ppl outta da woods man. next wk im goin on some dove hunt shit but im gonna cop me some big ass deer cuz fuck a dove man….that shits weak. so u got ne advice 4 me bout wat makes deer come out in da open an shit……an how many times i gota shoot? da berettas go t 12 shots an then i gota reload the mag clip…its a gaspowerd semi too so i hope itll still work when its fuckin cold out an shit.

6 gun runnin,

Dear Vice Lords Killah (wha?),

Thanks for your email, congratulations on your move down to West Virginia! Nature flourishes here in the mountains, so it's no surprise you were so eager to flock to your local Hunting and Game Association to join the killing. There's meat to be had and rounds to be fired! I should know, I'm a vegetarian. Anyway, sounds like you're pumped and ready for action, so let's get down to business.

First, you can't truly get pumped until you've traded in that handgun for a shotgun. Small, semi-automatic arms may fit the hectic street life of the South Bronx, but accuracy and precision rule the gaming challenges of the thick woods. In addition to the muzzle-heavy .22's, centerfire 9MM's, and blowback-operated single-action autoloader U22 NEOS made specifically for the quick-draw intensity of inner-city gang wars which you've no doubt had plenty of experience with, the Beretta company also manufactures top of the line shotguns designed specifically to hold up in freezing conditions. May I suggest the 12 Gauge Gold Mallard Special Edition–I've lost several relatives to this beauty! The only complaints I've overheard from hunters are that it occasionally fails to eject empty cartridges properly, resulting in gun jamming. But again, not something that would cause all my deer friends to jump up and leave the forest, if fixed quietly with a pocket-knife.

As far as coming out into the open, I can't speak for all deer, but personally, the Big Buck Fatal Attraction scent drives me wild! I believe it's on sale at the Super Wal-Mart in Charleston through November.

Good luck, always nice to see a new outdoors enthusiast!

(By the way, don't count out the dove tail soup until you've tried it!)

Court (the deer)