The world is split into many different factions depending upon how you choose to divvy it up. A few of these issues catalyze people to a degree that allow for little or no middle ground when things are said and done. It is within the confines of these highly volatile subjects that the world's true nemeses are formed: East vs. West, Liberals vs. Conservatives, Men vs. Women, Autobots vs. Decepticons, Hydrox vs. Oreos…you get the picture.

Small dog owners are infertile and tend to go a little overboard in protecting their pets.These are the spectrums upon which a person's personality and very existence are defined most concretely. One of the more intriguing debates within this context is whether a person prefers either dogs or cats as a pet. It is a question that has been around since the beginning of time–or at the very least, PetSmart.

When breaking down a complex issue such as this, it's usually a good idea to lock yourself in your home or apartment for three to four days while wearing Depends adult diapers so there's no need to take bathroom breaks, kind of like that crazy astronaut lady did while driving cross country to kill her forlorn lover's mistress. Wait, or was she the mistress? To be honest I don't even know, I just remember the bitch wore diapers.

Day 1

Surprisingly I have found that the adult Depends are fairly comfortable. On top of this, having negated my need for trips to the bathroom throughout the day, I have achieved a level of efficiency I had previously deemed unattainable. My roommate however, is constantly complaining about having to change me. I have bought multiple sanitary products such as baby oil and talcum powder to appease his whining. Details to follow.

Cats and dogs are the most popular domesticated pets in America. In fact, both of these animals have been kept as companions (or for utilitarian purposes) by humans for thousands and thousands of years.

Okay, full disclosure: when I first sat down to examine the subject and its origins, I started off with the aim of trying to describe why cats are better than dogs, and henceforth why feline preference is a sign of extreme intelligence and virility. I felt that it was only under the guise of this scientific examination that I would be able to sustain some small semblance of validity in deriding canines and their advocates.

However, the more I immersed myself in researching (read: getting high) why my fellow pet owners have the preference they do, the more I came to realize there's only one reason a person houses a pet of any kind: craziness. With that in mind I would like to lay out for you an empiric examination of the reasoning that goes into a pet owner's preference. But first, my keen sense of smell tells me it's about time for another changing.

Day 2

I have developed a severe diaper rash and my roommate refuses to pamper me further. My inflexibility means that I must engage in a complex diaper-changing ritual that involves a broom handle and a shit load of duct tape. One of the perverse side effects of this ritual is that I have lost most of my pubic hair to said duct tape. I have attempted to negate the effect by squatting like a woman pissing in the woods and manipulating my diaper and excrement from the back, thereby entering the pelvic nexus from the smooth pale exterior of my posterior. Details to follow.

There are two types of dog owners. The first type prefers big dogs: golden retrievers, Saint Bernards, Labradors, mastiffs etc. They are the more normal of the two types of dog owners because they enjoy all of the aspects of pet ownership that come with having a large and athletic beast to play with. Aside from being a theft deterrent system (if it's large enough), a big dog can do all kinds of fun things like play fetch, go swimming with you, and…well, play fetch.

Big dog owners are usually people who at one time had fantasies of riding horses, taming lions, or being rodeo clowns. For whatever reason, this fantasy didn't work out and they try and make up for it by owning the largest animal possible, and then attempting to tame it. The other possibility for a large dog owner is that they had children with little to no athletic ability. They make up for this by teaching their dog to catch Frisbees and tennis balls.

The second type of dog owner prefers small yippie dogs like Pomeranians, poodles, terriers, and the like. These are the ones you have to watch out for. Having a small dog is a clear sign that you are either seeking acceptance from an animal to make up for your lack affection from family and friends, or you just really like dressing things up and your doll collection was getting boring.

Small dog owners are often infertile and consequently tend to go a little overboard in protecting their pets, kind of like a parent is supposed to do for its child. As recourse for this perverseness many small dog owners are sexual deviants. The easiest way to identify a perpetrator of this kind is to look for people who dress up in tandem with their dog on Halloween.

Day 3

The situation has worsened appreciably. Not only has my diaper rash increased to the point of being unbearable, but by leaving the bottom half of my body covered in talcum powder for so long, my ballsac has begun to resemble a snow-covered sea urchin. Recently, during a siesta on my balcony, I awoke to find three seagulls fighting it out in an attempt to devour this rare delicacy. Luckily, my changing apparatus was near at hand and I was able to clobber the dirty beasts into oblivion. 

Cat owners are typically handsome, strong, intelligent, virile, and may or may not have a shaved head. They tend to be leaders of state, athletic superstars, or literary heavyweights. In this sense they are typically far superior to their canine loving counterparts.

So there you have it, a rigorous examination of one of the most intriguing dichotomies in society at large put to rest by one, theAss.

What have we learned from these conclusions? Mostly the aim of a person who wants either a dog or a cat for their pet. Dog owners seek acceptance because they have been rejected in one form or another by family, friends, or lovers to the point where they have to look to another, more susceptible species to fill the void that has developed as a product of being a nefarious and undesirable member of society. Cat owners, well, they just love pussy.