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By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
February 16, 2005

The real news (for boring people)

The breakdown (for college people)

Actor Tom Sizemore Fails Drug Test with Fake Penis

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Actor Tom Sizemore has been jailed for violating his probation by failing a drug test after he was caught trying to use a prosthetic penis to fake the results, a Los Angeles County prosecutor said on Friday.

Detectives were onto something when they noticed that instead of a cup of urine, Sizemore handed them a cup filled with a melted prosthetic penis.

Sizemore, 43, who played a battle-hardened sergeant in the war movie “Saving Private Ryan,” was placed in custody on Thursday. He was ordered to remain behind bars until a hearing on Feb. 24, unless he posts $25,000 bond, Deputy District Attorney Sean Carney said.

Which shouldn't really be a problem since he used that prosthetic penis as part of his fakepenis.com sponsorship which pays him close to $50,000 per fake penis he uses in public.

Last month, Judge Antonio Baretto had agreed to allow Sizemore to travel to Cambodia to shoot a new film on condition that he pass a drug test every day prior to his departure.

“And this is how you repay me!?” Baretto yelled in a thick Italian accent.

Carney said the actor's failed attempt to fake his drug test results came on the first day of the new requirement.

And this fake penis, actually urinates? That's pretty hardcore. Even for Sizemore.

The actor is required to undergo random drug tests as a condition of probation for his convictions on separate charges of methamphetamine possession and beating his ex-girlfriend, former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.

Random drug tests indeed. It doesn't get more random then a fake penis! Maybe if a unicorn was involved. MAYBE.

During Thursday's proceedings, prosecutors told Judge Baretto that Sizemore failed three drug tests in three days, the first after he was caught using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack.

Oh c'mon, like you guys have never thought about doing that! Or writing a funny movie in which that happens. Or laughed upon hearing when that happened to somebody else. Namely Tom Sizemore.

Carney said the ruse was revealed when the temperature of the sample proved too cool to have come from Sizemore's body, and he was asked to remove his pants.

How dreadfully embarrassing is that? First, they determine that you are “not cool enough” then they make you whip out a fake cock, that basically screams “You're right! I'M NOT COOL

According to prosecutors, Sizemore had been caught once before trying to use a similar device, sold over the Internet under the brand name the Whizzinator, and had failed drug tests on at least five occasions.

The “Whizzinator.” That's simply fantastic. I'm honestly surprised it's not called the Whizzinator 2000.

Carney said two drug tests on the days following the fake penis incident showed Sizemore had methamphetamine in his system.

Though, to be fair, methamphetamine is a huge part of the Whizzinator 2000.

During the hearing, Sizemore's lawyer told the court that his client was destitute, living in a garage in Whittier, California, and that he was an expectant father, Carney told Reuters.

More like SAVING RYAN'S PRIVATES! Hahhahahaha. That joke would be much funnier if his name was Ryan Sizemore. Well, not MUCH funnier…

But Baretto told Sizemore that his drug use was “out of control,” adding, “I had hoped and wanted to see a positive performance.”

Out of control!?!? You have to have SOME sense of control in order to buy a Whizzinator don't you!

For more information please visit my new website: www.thewhizzinator.com. When your pee is dirty, the Whizzinator will make it all cleaned up good! By Mennen.