Women are inherent liars. Unlike men, they do not lie about things that matter (like how much they bench press and how much they can drink in one sitting). No, women lie to hide their true intentions. They lie to hide what sluts they are. You see, there's a language that sluts use to let the typical depraved male know exactly when they are down to fuck. Here now is an incomplete list of some of the things that whores say when they want to fuck.

And to think, last week I wrote about inflation.

1. “I used to be a slut.”

Yeah and I “used to get drunk.”

The chicks who say the above line always have a lot in common: crazy eyes, aggressive and vulgar language, and a few tattoos. But the main thing is this: they are sluts. You see, these bitches will never close their legs, but they have to pretend otherwise. Because they have a boyfriend. Who is nearby. They'll set it up like, “Boy, if I wasn't with Derrick right now, I would totally be all over you. I wish you'd have known me three years ago, back when I was slut.”

When the chick says, “I used to be a slut,” the man should hear: “I will fuck you the SECOND my boyfriend is five miles away from my cooch.”

The moral here is that no one ever used to be a slut. Sluts may be made (not born) but they never convert to prude. That's just the way the world works.

The world also works with oral fixations.

2. “I need something in my mouth right now.”

Slut girl smokes a cigarette
Translation: Feed me cock.

Women tend to use this line while claiming to be hungry or while fighting to quit smoking. This one is pretty self-explanatory. If a chick says she needs something in her mouth right now, it doesn't take much of a leap of logic to come to the conclusion that she's really eager to display her fellatio prowess.

When I hear women say this, I usually try to stick my fist in their mouths, which breaks the ice, makes them laugh, and gives me an idea of how wide their mouths can open. It took me years of fucking before I realized that sometimes the best way to get a slut into the hurry-up offense is to out-slut them. But I figured it out. And there's a lesson there, kids (anyone who figures out that lesson wins a free… something Court Sullivan owns).

Speaking of my old friend, Sully…

3. “Can my friend come with us?”

This is not to be confused with, “I don't want to leave my friend,” which means you need to find a wingman to take the hit for you pretty damn quick. When I hear a chick ask if her friend can come with us, I make sure of two things before saying yes: that said friend is a female, and that she has no intentions of trying to make me take a strap-on dildo up the ass. What can I say? I'm old-fashioned.

If a chick asks what you think about her underwear or implants, you'll be fucking in no time.

Please note that this does not always mean threesome. I mean, sometimes it means threesome, other times it means the chick will watch and/or just listen through the walls, sometimes the friend is just for protection from rape, and sometimes, if you're really lucky, it totally means threesome.

4. “Do you like my new bra/thong/implants?”

Ah, chicks who show off new underwear or new breast implants: they are the young gift of life. Almost always between 18 and 24 years old (or total strippers), almost always drunk (or strung out, in the case of strippers), and totally willing to fuck the guy who can seem the most aloof and disinterested in whatever skin is being shown.

Slutty girl with 'slut' written in marker on her leg by her thong

If a chick asks what you think about her underwear/implants, just call her a whore. You'll be fucking in no time.

Speaking of time…

5. “Can I talk to you for like, twenty minutes?”

Usually spoken at a party (as opposed to in a public bar), this line basically means, “I want to fuck you right here and right now but if I tell everyone, they'll all think I'm a whore so I totally only told my friend Jennifer who is actually filming it and will probably put it on YouTube if you don't throw her a shot, too.”

No one, in any social gathering ever, needs to talk to another human being for twenty full minutes. Twenty minute conversations are for life-changing stuff like setting up retirement funds and organizing mass graves.

Oh, and girls who bribe guys into having sex with them: you are the cutest. I mean, you know we'd usually do it anyway, right?

Speaking of doing it anyway and doing it right…

6. “I wish my boyfriend were here right now.”

This is the equivalent of saying, “I am horny and you have a cock. Why are we still standing here?”

Women, for whatever reasons, try to hide what raging sluts they are (which is funny when you consider that they almost never try to hide what crazy bitches they can be, but whatever). They hide their slut-ness in specific lines that a discerning male can easily translate. I am a discerning male, and so I have translated some of their codes into their original meaning in my ever-reaching quest to explain to the male population that most women are dirty, dirty whores.

Like I said, there's no need to thank me.

I really am here to help.

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