(a rare action shot of me actually teaching)
(A rare action shot of me actually teaching)

The North Koreans are full of lies, but so am I. The only difference between their fibbing and mine is that I get paid as much as a small North Korean village to tell those fibs (which, all things considered, isn't that much, but still).

Here are some of the whoppers I've told my Korean students:

America already has the iPad 3. It has a movie projector on it.

I was professional wrestler “Ruthless Ray.” I wore a mask, that's why you've never seen me.

When any of you turn 18, I will hunt you down and kick the shit out of you for how you act in my classroom.

In America, there are more Coca-Cola fountains than water fountains.

I taught Michael Jackson how to dance.

The Minnesota Twins are the greatest sports franchise in American, nay, international history. (This isn't actually a lie, but deserves a spot here.)

If you say the "F" word or flip somebody off in America, you will go to jail.

The Statue of Liberty dances if you play really loud music.

England is actually one of the United States, they just won't admit it.

There aren't cars in Canada.

Obama knows karate.

I'm related to Morgan Freeman.

If you live in California, you're required to go to Disneyland every other weekend.

Texas has three Disneylands and 40 waterslide parks.

Neil Diamond is my friend.

Spider-Man lives in the penthouse of the Empire State Building. Superman and Batman come over every once in a while and eat ribs.

If you see a person with green eyes on the street, you have to give him a high five (yours truly owns a set of lookers greener than the Lake Isle of Innisfri).

In America, only the foreigners are fat. If an American is fat, they give him the electric chair.

I have a girlfriend and she lives in America. (Every time I tell this lie I weep on the inside. Or the outside, depending on how nice the kids are that day.)

There's a ghost inside my classroom, and if you don't do your homework he follows you home and gives you nightmares.

KC: The reason my last name is "Freeman" is because I used to be a slave on the Dagoba system. It's a small jungle, um, island in the middle of nowhere. Eventually I won enough gladiator matches and my master sold me to Hoth, where I gained my freedom.
HARRY: Did you ever kill anybody during your gladiator fights?
KC: I can't tell you that.
HARRY: Please KC Teacher. How many?
KC: Oh, it's so much I can't remember. Do you remember how many days you've gone to school in your life?
HARRY: Wow. That is a lot of people you've killed.
KC: Yup. Do your homework.