There's this really old movie about the dudes who busted Nixon. It's called “All the President's Men” and in it, some snitch nicknamed Deep Throat (I am not making that up) tells a couple of reporters that they will bust Watergate wide open if they “follow the money.” And, the thing is, there's a lot of truth to that statement. If you follow the money in your attempts to figure out a scam, you'll figure out the scam. Money is the reason for scams. This is what my old Logic professor used to call “logic.”

Old movies and older professors aside, I'm sick of what's been happening with my money, specifically my cash. You see, about six months ago, I went grocery shopping (I do this every week if I have money). The bill for my imported Egg Cream and Chicago-Style Guinea came to roughly $85, so I gave the check-out broad a hundred dollar bill.

“Excuse me,” she said, and she walked into some office to verify that the bill was legitimate.

Meanwhile, I turned to everyone behind me in line and said, “Sorry about the delay. I tried to pay in cash.”

The guy directly behind me laughed out loud and slapped my shoulder. No one else got the joke. One lady even said, “I can't remember the last time I paid for anything in cash.”

I mean, what the fuck dot com, right?

Fast forward to a few days ago, when I learned that Air Tran does not accept cash for alcoholic beverages (they also don't respect their customers, but that's another story). The reason behind this, said one person not at all affiliated with Air Tran or the FAA, “is because our stewardesses are such untrustworthy idiots that we don't let them near cash.” And this makes sense, I guess, but here's the deal:

On my money are written the words, “This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private.” The government put that on there shortly after they took us off the gold standard. That way, we couldn't claim that the money was worthless and start our own precious metal-based currency.

Before that, back in the days of the greatest generation, our money had, “This note is redeemable for its value in gold” or some such shit (my Grandpa told me this) written on it, but the government had to remove that statement shortly before the aforementioned Nixon became President because, much like the “legal tender” line nowadays, it was a bald-faced lie.

So basically, our money is full of shit and has been for years.

Which means I'd think twice before putting your trust in God.

Sorry, God.