For the college student, life is good. Women finally admit that their virginity was a figment of their imagination. They're so cute about it still though, saying that some guy “TOOK IT” back in senior year. Right, did he keep in his backpack along with “The Clap” and “your clitoris?” Also, if someone calls you a douchebag, go ahead and call him a douchebag right back. Nobody is better than anyone else in college, no matter how Polo-y their pink shirt is. Lastly everyone knows there is an abundant supply of free alcohol at college… located in every liquor store as long as you wear your “college id” over your face and carry a loaded “meal plan.”

But seriously kid, whether you're taking your first step on the camoflauged walkway that is “Is broomball really as ridiculously fun as my RA says?” or your final mooning in front of the dean right as the picture bulb flashes* at gradutation, I urge you to cherish every moment of your college experience, because the rest of the world isn't going to be so nice to you.

And without further ado, here's a rap sheet on all the college-haters, out there.

*In the early college days, pranksters would have to wait as much as 3 minutes for the exposure. Talk about awkward.

THE BANK- Man I was taking this finance class when I learned that the economy is nothing more than an institution created by those in power. Money is valueless, and yet here we are working like slaves for it. Why can't just everything be free? It's because of these assholes.

First off their disdain is show right away in their operating hours. When I heard they were open until 5 I thought that was bitchin', and then I found out that meant in the afternoon. Look, I A.M. my own person and I don't need you P.M.s-y bitchy early birds telling me what times I can and cannot invest in a long-term mutual fund adjusted for inflation according to projected rates from previous fiscal years.

Even if I did wake up at eight, it would be because of a massive hangover, k? Plus did you know that all that “free” money they gave you for college has to be given back later? What a bunch of tight-asses. You remind me of my roommate freshman year who wouldn't let me sleep with his girlfriend. Don't worry I did anyway.

Restaurant- You know what would hit the spot right now? That's right, italian food, bro. Let's get that hairy guy to deliver us some lasagna or something. What do you mean they don't deliver? Do they expect us to leave our dorm? What a bunch lf lazy assholes. It's 4:30 in the morning, they expect me to walk all the way over there?

Un-fucking-believable, they're not open. You know what, I'm not even mad. They're the ones that are losing money by closing up at night. It's stupid, just plain stupid. Dude, when we graduate, we should open up an all-night restaurant that serves any type of food you want. Maybe if they went to college like us, they' wouldn't be so damn stupid.

Stupid.
Fucking A, man. A for Stupid.

Church- Goddamn church has all that parking and they don't let anyone use it. You know one night I was so wasted that I didn't even know where I was, but I saw that church and I had to pee…

uke, so I went in, Next thing I know it's Sunday Morning and they're hosting some service, man I was HUNG OVER! But not as bad as this big half-naked statuey guy over the altar, hell.

If I were going to create a church, I wouldn't make it so uptight and religious and shit. I mean, don't they know they found out Jesus was a Jew? That kinda puts your whole argument down the shitter. I was actually thinking we could start a church-themed bar, man. Catholic school girl waitresses, Devil bartender making flaming shots. I think that would kick ass.

Well after we graduate, of course.

Home- Home is so lame, dude. I remember when my Dad was somewhat cool, now I'm just like. You married Mom? How have you not divorced that shit already?

Sucks.

Myspace- Oh shit dude come check this girl out. She's pretty fine, how old is she? 14? What the hell, that's not right. Where was she when I was her age? Oh really funny dude, I know she was 7, that's not what I meant. Damn, I dunno about this myspace, man. It's like anyone who is old enough for me to be scoping, actually respects themself. They need like a Myspace for the older sisters of everyone else on myspace.

Or that reminds me, I was thinking of starting a place called the Myspacebar- Well fine, I'll do it on my own man. You don't have to be so rude. What's your problem. Whatever, once I graduate, I'm doing this.

The Real World- Man this friend of mine recently graduated and he says it sucks. He's looking for work, and actually having to make an effort with women. That's messed up. I'm thinking I'll never graduate. You can do that right? Like they can't MAKE you finish your hours. Dude, I'll be just like that guy in that movie. Did you see that one? I'm telling you, I'm never going to stop partying. Crash open bars and shit. Oh my god, that's it dude. I'm going to be like those two guys in the crashing movie. No not the racial drama shit, the other one. Yeah. I mean c'mon SOME of that has to be true, right? It's not completely fiction.

Once I graduate dude, you and I should just party.

At one of my bars.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.