Showers are a dangerous place. You know why? Because you have to take a shower every day. Well, you don't have to, but it does appear #2 on the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” list, trailing only to “Look at yourself in the mirror again, just to make sure.” Point is, anything you have to do every day becomes a hazard.

Consider these hastily thought-out examples:

Driving: Highly dangerous. Statistics show that you are most likely to have a car accident within one block of your house (second most likely, in front of an all-glass strip club).

Cell phones: HIGHLY dangerous. Think cancer, radiation poisoning, and that one story you swear your girlfriend already told you but it's actually just another one that sounds exactly the same but it's still going to kill you anyway if she tells it one more time.

Eating: HIGHLY DANGEROUS AND WORTHY OF LARGER CAPS. It's hard to find foods that are good for you anymore. There's always someone out there to tell you “you shouldn't be eating that.” Who are you to ignore these people? Face it, most people are eating to die, and fat people are dying to eat.

And now, I would like to share my specific concerns when I get in the shower every day.

I call them…

Things I'm Afraid of in the Shower (Naked) and How You Can Fix Them

1. Water escaping outside the shower curtain.

Quick fix: Get a shower curtain with those little suction cups on the edges so you can stick the curtain to the wall.

Guaranteed fix: Build a glass bubble.

2. Slipping on the bathtub, cracking my head open, drowning in a pool of my own blood, and then having my body parts harvested for sale on the black market.

Quick fix: Lay down a mat with little suction cups on the bottom, wear a helmet, then Petition Congress for tougher illegal trade laws.

Guaranteed fix: Shower with a friend, there's no room to fall really.

3. Missing an important IM.

Quick fix: “Shower” away message.

Guaranteed fix: Project your PC screen onto the shower wall thru a TV monitor source, then utilize your waterproof, Bluetooth-enabled mouse and keyboard. Answer IM.

4. The dark.

Quick fix: Turn on the lights.

Guaranteed fix: Never turn off the lights.

5. Low water pressure.

Quick fix: Turn the nozzle to the one-stream spray setting. Be careful not to let that bad boy sting your wee-wee.

Guaranteed fix: Install a Rapid Reel PW4000 5HP Industrial Pressure Washer…with battery backup power supply of course. “Strong enough for your driveway, gentle enough for your skin!”

6. Dropping the soap, getting fucked from behind.

Quick fix: Post a sign on the bathroom door that reads, “This isn't prison anymore, REMEMBER THAT DUDES.” Keep a bowl of condoms handy next to the sink just in case.

Guaranteed fix: Vasectomy.

7. Getting the towel wet before turning off the water.

Quick fix: Dry off before you take a shower.

Guaranteed fix: Install an Xlerator Power Dryer. “Feel the power!”