Back when I first started writing for this site there were no iPhones, New Orleans had never been destroyed, and PIC Fearless Leader Court Sullivan had the same haircut he has today. The world is a completely different place today—well, everywhere except the barber shop Sully frequents. Back when I started, I had a list quota here on PIC. You see, comedy just isn't comedy unless you're ranking descriptions of farts. I believe that sentence is actually etched on George Carlin's tombstone. Anyway, I am now kind of an emeritus, come as I go, write as I please, kind of fellow around here so I've gotten away from lists. It's a predictable, boring, and often duplicated format. And I never really wanted to write another one again until someone emailed me a list of the fifty states of America from fattest to least fat. And well, I mean, how can you pass up a fat list?
You can't. You just can't.
Now before we begin I should let you know that I am generally bothered by fat people. Now, many fat people will tell you that if I had to wear my alcohol gluttony on my body, I would look like a giant round tub of puss too, but I don't care what any fat people think. Because losing weight is basic math. You burn more calories than you take in. If you can't understand that, you will never get your GED and your parents will eventually stop loving you. True story.
But there's also no denying that fat people are funny, and that America is funny, and yes, that even lists are funny. So here now is some of the data compiled by some organization to which I owe credit, as well as some recipes to help you gain as much weight as possible before Spring Break.
1. Mississippi
Mississippi is the fattest state in the union, with 31.6 percent of its people technically classified as obese. That's almost one in three. We're not even talking about being overweight, stout, chubby or even just plain fat. We're talking obese, which is defined as, "Holy shit you need TWO airplane seats!"
While scouring the internet for prime examples of Mississippi-style foods, I came across the following recipe for Mississippi Pralines:
Mississippi Pralines
2 1/2 pounds sugar
12 ounces water
4 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup corn syrup
2 heaping tablespoons marshmallow cream
Vanilla extract (or maple flavoring)
4 cups pecan pieces
1. Combine sugar, water, and butter. Cook on low heat to 238 F on a candy thermometer. Once it begins to boil, do not stir. Remove from heat.
2. Add marshmallow cream and beat with a mixer until mixture begins to harden around the edges of the pot. Then reheat slowly, adding flavoring and pecans.
3. Pour mixture on wax paper in 2-inch round patties. Yields 4 dozen."
Did you fucking read all that? There are obese people who read that and literally got erections. If you ever feel like you're gaining a little too much weight, move to Mississippi, buy a bunch of pants with elastic bands and just give up on life.
2. West Virginia
It does not surprise me in the slightest that West Virginia is second on this list, though it is essentially a virtual tie with the next few states but what the hell ever. There's nothing to do in West Virginia except burn couches and apparently eat the following concoction:
Fluffy Spoon Bread
Spoon bread, so named because of its light, fluffy, custard-like texture, is served with a spoon. The addition of cream in this recipe gives the spoon bread a richer consistency. Serves 6 to 8
1 2/3 cups milk
1/4 cup whipping cream
1 cup stone-ground white cornmeal
2/3 cup water
3 tablespoons soft butter
1 tablespoon sugar
Dash of salt
4 extra-large eggs, separated
2 teaspoons baking powder
Combine the milk, cream, cornmeal, water, butter, sugar, and salt in a medium-size saucepan. Bring to a slow boil over medium-low heat and then simmer for 2 minutes, stirring vigorously. Eemove from heat and turn the mixture into a large bowl. Let it cool slightly. Beat the egg whites until they hold stiff peaks. Beat the egg yolks with the baking powder until the yolks are light and lemon-colored. Stir the egg yolks into the cornmeal mixture quickly. Fold in a quarter of the egg whites and then fold in the remaining egg whites. Gently pour the batter into a greased 3-quart souffle dish and bake in a preheated 375 degree F. oven for 35 minutes, or until the top is lightly browned and a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. The center should still be creamy and soft. Spoon out individual servings at once and top with butter."
I don't know about you, but the above two foods are allegedly eaten quite a bit in their home states and I have never heard of either dish. But then again, I don't measure my cholesterol in ounces either.
3. Alabama
Sweet home Alabama, where the pies are so true. Sweet home Alabama, I'll keep shoveling my face with goo. No seriously though, I have met a lot of people from Alabama and I can say that the state's citizens are a really obvious case of "all or nothing" when it comes to fat. They're either all really skinny like Fearless Editor Court "I hate the hair salons" Sullivan or big and round like my buddy Kevin. One time, I was in Alabama and I saw this family on a picnic and like five of the twelve were horribly obese and the other seven were stick figures. They need to redistribute the chub over there. At least near as I could tell.
Here's an Alabama state dish for your fat ass:
Cheese Straws
2 cups grated cheese
2 cups sifted flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 heaping tablespoon butter
1/4 teaspoon red pepper
Make into stiff dough with ice-cold sweet milk and water mixed. Roll thin, cut into narrow strips and bake quickly."
When your state is known for turning cheese into a straw, it may be time to take one long, hard look in the mirror. And then run away from it. As fast as possible.
4. Louisiana
I like Louisiana cuisine, at least the stuff that I find in New Orleans, so I'll probably refrain from knocking on them for creating the following chunk of deliciousness:
Gumbo
2 tablespoons butter
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 cups chopped onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
1 pound okra, chopped
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 pound cubed beef stew meat (optional)
4 cups water
4 cups dark beer
1 (16 ounce) can whole tomatoes, undrained and chopped
1 1/2 teaspoons white sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
1 sprig fresh thyme
2 bay leaves
1 pinch salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
1 pinch ground black pepper
1 pound andouille sausage, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1/2 pound crabmeat, flaked
1 pound medium shrimp – peeled and deveined
1 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
1/2 lemon
Instructions:
In a larg pan cook, onions, celery and okra, stirring constantly until golden brown. Add garlic last as it will burn and taste bad. Set aside.
In a large heavy bottomed stock pot over medium-high heat, combine 1/4 cup of butter and flour. Cook, stirring constantly, until the roux becomes chocolate brown. Stir in the vegetable mixture, and stew meat. Cook, stirring, until vegetables are tender, and meat is evenly brown. Mix in Beer, water, tomatoes and sugar. Season with parsley, thyme, bay leaves, salt, cayenne pepper and black pepper. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 2 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
Add shrimp, crabmeat and andouille to stock pot. Stir in hot pepper sauce and Worcestershire sauce. Remove seeds from lemon and squeeze juice into stock pot. Simmer an additional 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove bay leaves, sprinkle with file powder, and serve.
I fucking love good gumbo. I mean, I would make love to it if I could.
5. South Carolina
Okay, now we're finally below thirty percent obesity. SC tips the scales at 29%. That is progress. Have you noticed that we're on our fifth fattest state and we still haven't gone above the Mason Dixon line? Usually, when I think of fat people I think of Iowa and Minnesota and Wisconsin, but it turns out that most of the chubbiness is actually down south, which is weird because fat people sweat a lot. Anyway, here's another dish I've neither had nor heard of:
Benne Wafers
¾ cup butter
1 ½ cups brown sugar
2 eggs
1 ½ cups flour
½ cup sesame (benne) seeds
1 teaspoon vanilla
¼ teaspoon baking powder
Preparation:
Cream butter and sugar together and mix with other ingredients in the order given. Drop with a teaspoon onto a well-greased cookie pan, far enough apart to allow spreading while baking. Bake in a 325º F oven for 7-10 minutes.
My girlfriend is one of those bitches that can eat whatever she wants and never gains an ounce, whereas I am one of those people who must watch what he eats and exercise, so she's constantly getting me to eat stuff like this. Thank god she doesn't enjoy reading this site or you can bet money that I'd be eating Benne Wafers for dinner.
6. Tennessee
The Volunteer State volunteers to be the sixth fattest in America today. And I for one am proud because I like the way Tennessee gets fat. They mainly get fat by using pork. If you're gonna get fat, you damn well better be smoking me some ribs. Here's another dish that's native to Tennessee and that I have never eaten:
Blackberry Jam Cake
3 eggs
1 cup butter
2 1/2 cups flour
4 tablespoons sour cream
1 level teaspoon soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon cloves
1 cup blackberry jam
1/2 cup strong black coffee
1/2 cup sugar
Cream the butter until light and add it to the sugar; beat well and add jam. Dissolve the spices in coffee and add to butter; then add well-beaten egg yolks, and alternately the flour and sour cream, in which the soda has been dissolved. Finally fold in whites of eggs stiffly beaten, and bake in cake pan from 45 to 55 minutes in moderate oven. Ice with Baker's Icing while still warm.
You see what they did there? They combined jam with cake. They made a jam cake! The creativity of fat people knows no bounds I tell you.
7. Kentucky
Kentucky really gets a bad reputation. And it should because it sucks there. Here's another recipe that will make your ass bigger:
Mildred's Chess Pie
1 whole egg, room temperature
2 egg yolks, room temperature
1 ts. Vinegar
2 T. Water
2 T. Flour
1 cup sugar
1 stick butter, melted and cooled
1 8-inch pie shell, pricked with fork
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Place eggs and yolks in a bowl; mix until well blended but not foamy. Mix vinegar and water together and stir into eggs. Mix flour and sugar together. Slowly add liquid mixture; mix well with wooden spoon. Add cooled, melted butter and stir until well mixed. Pour into pie shell and bake for 30 minutes.
I like how the recipe specifies that you mix with a wooden spoon. If I ever meet a person who could taste the difference, I would fart on their food. But that's a hobby of mine anyway.
8. Oklahoma
If you've never been to Oklahoma, just imagine Kentucky with less people, harsher winds, more heat and less vegetation. People in Oklahoma are jealous of people from Texas. People in Kentucky are glad they don't live in Oklahoma. Oklahoma may well be the least awesome state in the union, well if Utah didn't exist anyway.
Unlike most of these states, you really can't blame these people for getting fat. If I lived in Oklahoma, I'd eat everything that tasted good just to get some enjoyment out of the damn place.
The following recipe combines chicken, corn and pudding:
Chicken and Corn Pudding
6 ears green corn
1 broiling chicken
1 onion
1 sprig parsley
1/2 cup melted butter
salt and pepper
3 eggs
Clean, wash, and cut up a young chicken as for frying. Let it simmer until tender with just enough water to cover, onion, parsley, salt, and pepper. Cut the grains from the raw roasting-ears, beginning with a thin outer slice. Add to the corn, the melted butter, well-beaten eggs, 1 teaspoon of salt, and enough of the broth in which the chicken has been cooking to make a batter. Pour into a buttered baking-dish; place the pieces of chicken in the middle, and bake until brown on top and the pudding is firm throughout.
I would have never thought that one could combine pudding with meat. Of course, I also would have never thought that anyone as smart as PIC's Court Sullivan could grow so attached to such a goofy, goofy haircut.
9. Arkansas
Once, when I was in Little Rock visiting a friend, I actually met a buddy of his who weighed four hundred pounds. And the dude's dad was even fatter than that. I'll bet if someone killed that family alone, Arkansas would get booted out of the top ten.
And I need to note that so far not one state on this list seceded from the union. No wonder they lost the war. It's tough to fight with a chunk of fried chicken in your mouth.
Little Fellows
Makes about 2 1/2 dozen
1/2 cup butter at room temperature
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1 tablespoon flour
1/3 cup lemon juice
Finely grated rind of 1 lemon
30 unbaked tart shells (about 2 3/4 inches in diameter and 1 1/4 inches deep)
Cream the butter and sugar just enough to blend well—mixture chould not be fluffy or filling may bubble up and boil over in the oven. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then stir in flour. Add the lemon juice and rind (the mixture will seem to curdle but don't be alarmed; it will smooth out in the baking). Spoon mixture into tart shells, filling each no more than 2/3 full. (Should you have any leftover filling, spoon into a custard cups, again filling no more than 2/3 fill, set in a small baking pan, and pour water into pan to a depth of 1 inch. These may be baked in the oven alongside the tarts and will be done in about the same amount of time.) Bake tarts in a moderate oven (350 degrees F.) 30 to 35 minutes until filling is puffy and golden and pastry lightly browned. Remove from oven, cool tarts in their pans to room temperature, then remove from pans and serve."
I like how people from Arkansas call a dish that will most definitely make you a giant, fat slob, "Little Fellows." Makes the stuff seem innocuous and healthy. Like carrots.
10. Michigan
And the tenth fattest state in the union is actually a northern one. And it's not Wisconsin! Having been to both Wisconsin and Michigan I have to say that I find this news kind of shocking.
Anyway, here's a recipe that helped Michigan widen its collective ass:
Cherry Festival Pecan Sticky Buns
Milk 4 cups
Yeast 2 tablespoons
Sugar 1 cup
Salt 1 tablespoon
Butter (melted) stick (4 oz)
Nutmeg 1 teaspoon
Vanilla 1 teaspoon
Eggs 4
All-purpose flour 6 – 7 cups
1. Heat milk until a skin forms on surface, remove from heat and add butter. Allow mixture to cool.
2. Add eggs, sugar, yeast and vanilla and beat into the milk mixture.
3. Gradually add the flour and salt. Stir until a smooth but sticky dough is formed. Cover and let rise in a warm place.
Filling for Sweet Dough
Softened butter 8 tbsp
Brown sugar 1 cup
Cinnamon 2 tbsp
Dried Cherries, chopped 1 1/2cup
Smear for Sweet Dough
Brown Sugar 1 cup firmly packed
Cinnamon 1 tbsp
Butter, melted 12 oz (3 sticks)
Corn syrup 3/4cup
Honey 1 cup
Pecans pieces 2 cups
1. Cream first three ingredients.
2. Using an electric mixer, slowly blend in syrup and honey on MED speed.
3. Reserve the pecans for the assembly process.
To Assemble Sticky Buns:
Roll dough into a large rectangle.
Using a pastry brush, apply the melted butter on the dough. Mix together the brown sugar and the cinnamon and sprinkle the mixture over the top of the butter. Evenly distribute the chopped cherries over the dough.
Roll the dough up jelly-roll style and seal the edges tightly. Let rest while preparing the pan.
Take a 12" X 18" baking sheet and apply one quarter to one third inch of the smear to the bottom. Be careful not to use too much. Sprinkle the pecans onto the smear. Save remaining smear for another pan.
Take the prepared sweet dough and cut it into 1 _" circles until all the dough is used.
Place the rolls, wide side down on the prepared pan about _" apart.
Place pan in a warm place and proof until almost double in volume.
Bake at 350 – 375 F for 20 – 25 min. or until smear is a rich amber color.
After removing from the oven, immediately invert the pan onto a clean serving dish
I've actually had this. And I must say that it is really tasty.
America is a cool country, with a land as vast and as wide as the asses of its people. America, a once great country founded on rugged individualism and the ideals of freedom, is now inhabited by a bunch of lazy assholes who eat frosting out of the can and call it dinner.
And I, for one, couldn't be prouder.