David Elliott is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: “I miss you all!”

Time: Apr 10, 2020 — 7pm — London

Description: Hi, everyone! I thought we could all try this Zoom thing together. It looks like fun! By the way, I haven’t received invitations from any of you yet, so I’m assuming that you’re not using it. Or maybe you are, and you all hate me. LOL! Anyway, I’ll look forward to seeing you all soon!

Meeting ID: LoveAndMissYouAll-2020

Password: FriendsAndFamily4Eva


David Elliott is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: “Let’s try this again.”

Time: Apr 11, 2020 — 7pm — London

Description: OK, so I’m not sure what happened last time. Probably something to do with all this “new-fangled technology”, eh? It’s a shame, really, because I was sat there for at least an hour and forty-five minutes waiting for the people I love most in the world (YOU!) to appear on screen, but something obviously went wrong. I had drinks, and snacks, and games, and was ready to party … but in the end, I was forced to spend yet another evening alone, with absolutely nobody to talk to! LOL! It was kind of like organising a party, and then nobody showing up. In fact, if I didn’t know better, then I’d think you didn’t love me anymore. ROFL. Only joking, guys. I know you love me! PMSL.

Meeting ID: Don’tLetMeDownThisTime-2020

Password: Always-There-For-Each-Other


David Elliott is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: “If you’re reading this, then you’re a fucking asshole.”

Time: Apr 12, 2020 — 7pm — London

Description: Fine! I’ll just have a fun evening on Zoom all by myself. Fuck you all, and the horses you rode in on! Yeah, that’s right, there’s a party in my Zoom and no one’s invited. I don’t need ANY of you! Understand? NEVER speak to me again!!!

Meeting ID: “None of your fucking business.”

Password: EAT-MY-SHIT


David Elliott is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: “That last invitation was just a joke. Obvs. LOL!”

Time: Apr 13, 2020 — 7pm — London

Description: Look, I’d been up all night, I hadn’t had any sleep, my emotions were running high, and I typed a few things in the heat of the moment that I’m really not proud of. Anyway, are we still friends? Yeah, of course we are! LOL. ROFL. PMSL.

Meeting ID: SorryIfIOffendedAnyone

Password: I-DON’T-REALLY-WANT-YOU-TO-EAT-MY-SHIT-I’M-JUST-IN-A-WEIRD-PLACE-RIGHT-NOW.


David Elliott is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: “Do you think this mole is changing colour?”

Time: Apr 14, 2020 — 7pm — London

Description: OK, so you didn’t come to the last meeting. That’s fine, don’t worry about it. The thing is that I’m really starting to worry about my health, and I could use someone to talk to. I mean, at first, I was worried about having “symptoms”, you know, but then I realised that my dry cough was just because I was busy choking on a biscotti, and my “fever” was just a result of the huge coat I’ve been wearing indoors to try and keep my bare skin away from COVID-19. Anyway, that’s not the issue right now. It’s that mole on the back of my neck. I’m sure it’s changing colour… so would you have a look at it for me? Any of you! By the way, I really think I’m starting to lose my grip on reality, but we can talk about that during the meeting.

Meeting ID: LifeOrDeathSituation-2020

Password: PLEASE-LOOK-AT-MY-WEIRD-MOLE!


David Elliott is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: “I am the Lord of Lockdown. Get on your knees!”

Time: Apr 15, 2020 — 7pm — London

Description: I’ve finally realised why COVID-19 happened. Yes, it all makes sense now. A worldwide pandemic HAD to occur, so that the chosen one could rise up and take his rightful place on the Corona-Throne. Avert your eyes from my majestic visage, scum! None of you are worthy!

Meeting ID: KneelBeforeTheChosenOne-2020

Password: [email protected]


David Elliott is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: “Sorry for visiting your homes and scaring your children.”

Time: Apr 16, 2020 — 7pm — London

Description: Apologies, everyone. I now realise that travelling to each of your houses, stripping naked, and screaming “I am the Lord thy God!” through your letterboxes, was not only a flagrant disregard of lockdown measures, but also extremely rude. I hope your children will go on to live normal, happy lives after this, and that their last memory of me won’t be the police dragging me away by my hair. If you’re ready to forgive and forget, then please join this Zoom meeting.

Meeting ID: PleaseDon’tTakeThisToCourt-2020

Password: FriendsAndFamily4Eva