JAWNIMBO: Not In My Back Ocean

Amity Island is stunned when a new arrival threatens its coast: sustainable wind turbines. What follows is a massacre of gorgeous beach views. In a particularly graphic scene, a woman in a Valentino seersucker smock waves at a luxury yacht on the horizon, and is horrified to discover it is instead a windmill. The townsfolk form a mob and storm the zoning offices, who agree to let residents return to their old system of shipping in cans of fresh fracked oil from the Martha Stewart Heating Collection. Bruce the shark makes no appearance but is presumably swimming near a turbine somewhere.

2 Fast 2 JAWS

Bruce evolves into a land-dweller in an attempt to eat more people. It meets and befriends the summer vineyard teens. While speeding down the sleepy streets in Tommy's Jeep Gladiator, the drunken teens and shark hit and kill a local woman. Tommy's father tries to pressure Bruce into taking the fall, as this would ruin Tommy's hopes of going to Princeton next year and “sharks can't even go to Princeton.” Luckily, Bruce realizes it can't drive a Jeep due to having fins, and stands up to the pushy patriarch. Amity's court quietly acquits Tommy and the incident becomes just another fun local story.

The Great White JAWS

After devouring a finance executive, Bruce sees a scrap of a quarter-zip floating through the blood. It's custom embroidered with a Blue Lives Matter logo. “Jesus Christ,” thinks the apex predator, “this is some real bullshit. How does this fly in a place that prides itself on being progressive? When does the value of morality outweigh the pleasures of wealth?” Bruce spends the rest of the movie pondering what it really means to be a blue state, and weighing how it feels about continuing to eat here.

Legally JAWS

After a devastating breakup with a Hammerhead, Bruce leaves Amity to attend Harvard Law School. The shark wins a key court case by publicly outing a gay man, and starts a romantic relationship with their T.A before graduation. The movie's not as progressive as you'd hope.

Song Of Ice And JAWS

Winter arrives on Amity Island. The mega-monster stalks the beaches, but finds them mostly bare. The towering beach homes are boarded up and empty. Only five people remain on the island, in the few affordable housing units allocated by the town. It's a small percentage of the essential workers who make their meager living running the destination; most have to commute to the island every day to serve those who priced them out of their own homes. This is too sad and Bruce loses its appetite.

JAWS Rising

Since there was no large effort to curtail global warming, the sea level rises and overtakes the beach mansions and twenty-dollar-ice-cream parlors. Amity becomes a nouveau Atlantis, one where only Bruce will summer. We fade out on the shark swimming through town, swathed in an expensive seersucker dress.


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