Congratulations! You’ve qualified for unemployment benefits. Unemployment benefits are a gift from the government that we shouldn’t have to give you at all, so be grateful because we’d rather be spending this money on tactical pelvic protection for our police force.
To claim benefits for the week ending on 8/30/2020, which began on 5/14/2020 (except in the case of weeks beginning on the first of the month, any Monday in September, or when Jupiter’s alignment is in tandem with Mercury’s), you must complete the following questionnaire.
1. Did you work?
Answer YES if you worked during the week, engaged in emotional labor, or if you sat up in and/or got out of bed. If you lie, like if you worked on some bullshit “art” project, broke a sweat while washing your dishes, or called your mom, then we will find you. We know where you sleep.
2. Did you actively look for work?
Did you really though? Like, are you really trying? What about a sweatshop? Did you try taking your master's degree off of your resume so prospective employers don’t think you’re too snobby?
3. Were you able and available to work in any part of the known universe?
This includes parallel universes, alternate timelines, as well as hell dimensions, unmapped dimensions, etc.
4. In the last six years to four hours, were you absent from work when work was available?
If you were offered work and did not take it, you must report that work as potential earnings, and we will subtract it from your benefits for being a lackadaisical, jobless, cretin. Be certain to include the offers people gave you to work for payment in the form of “exposure,” “opportunity,” or “gaining future OnlyFans subscribers.” Additionally, include that time your neighbor generously offered one dollar for each of Ms. Fufu’s “little presents” that you refused to pick up, probably because you think you’re “too good for doodoo” or have a “ruptured disc.”
5. Did you or will you receive holiday or vacation pay?
This includes “ever in your life previously,” and “if you aspire to in your life.”
6. Are you some kind of fake job like an “actor,” “comedian,” or “abstract painter” who is just looking for a handout to make “art?”
Fake jobs must attempt to obtain real jobs prior to government assistance.
7. Did you try going back to school for engineering yet?
There are a lot of engineer jobs.
8. Do you have a 401K, a small business, a savings account, or other assets like a car, bicycle, or computer?
If so, you are required to liquidate all assets before you are eligible to receive unemployment benefits. You may not receive money from the government when you are so privileged as to own a bicycle.
9. Did you make a LinkedIn profile?
Making a LinkedIn profile is required.
Before you click SUBMIT, please verify that the above information is true, correct, and infallible to the best and worst of your knowledge, that you have read, memorized, and prayed on the 680-page state unemployment handbook and sleep with it under your pillow with a clove of purple garlic.
Upon approval, your first biweekly claim may take six weeks to ten months to process, at which point you will receive a set of coordinates where you must make a video call during a two-hour window on a Sunday or the last Friday of the months that have 31 days, whichever comes first (you must figure this out on your own). Your payment will then be released into the ether, where we have faith that it will find its way into your bank account (start checking every few moments to make sure you don’t miss it, because if you miss it, there’s nothing we can do).
Never call us about anything; calling us will result in loss of benefits and prison.