“The waiver will cover plenty of borrowers… But it doesn’t apply to every student loan out there. Loans issued through state agencies and others, including from big private lenders like Sallie Mae, are not covered.”

—The New York Times, March 14, 2020

Dear Nick,

We know you’ve been receiving emails from a lot of companies the past few weeks about changes due to COVID-19. We here at Private Student Loan Lenders™ wanted to provide you with the comfort that things will be business as usual. Your private student loan payment is still due. And it’s gaining interest.

We have been keeping your loan “sheltered in place” so that it grows at its 12% compounded rate. You can help “flatten the curve” (of principal amount owed) by continuing to make your monthly payment of $850. Otherwise, we’ll have to remind you to “wash your hands” (that you owe a late fee of $500 + 10* interest rate) so that your loan doesn’t get infected (default). Take pride in knowing that your loan is an “essential service” and won’t lose its job (making us money).

If you have been financially impacted by COVID-19 (e.g., if you have been furloughed)—but you do not have COVID-19—your loan is still due. We won’t change anything about your loan, and you’re welcome for that. Truly, for us to freeze your loan interest and payments, there would need to be some kind of global disaster, like a progressive winning the Presidency.

If you do have COVID-19, you can apply for financial assistance.1 To apply, please send us the following:

  • Your name, your email, your account number, and the original cotton swab that tested positive for COVID-19.
  • A persuasive essay from your physician with their best estimate on how long you will live/be able to make payments on your student loan (500 words or more).
  • An IOU, signed in your blood (that we will cross-check for COVID-19 presence), that promises to make up for the payment (+ interest) that you would miss now.
  • A list of your childhood and collegiate dreams that you have had to postpone or give up on because of the financial burden of your student loans.
  • Lockets of your hair (Head and pubic).
  • A notarized version of your will with the names and social security numbers of 25 physically above-average children that you legally bequeath the remainder of your student loan to, in the event of a tragedy.

Finally, if you have the coronavirus, please avoid the elderly. They are our most at-risk population: these 70+ year-olds still have student loans that must be paid off before their death. We cannot afford to accelerate this process. If one of them dies, their student loan dies with them. Stay at home to keep each other(‘s loans) safe.

If you have any questions or concerns, our customer service center is open from 9:00 AM-5:00 PM. We know you might be lonely in isolation, so feel free to call us.

Love,

Team Private Student Loan Lenders™

1Up to one month.


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