You’re standing in the mirror, looking at your reflection and you notice that, against all odds, your hair is bouncy today. Your skin is luminous. Even your eyes look like they’re changing color in the light (just like you’ve said so many times to your envious and disbelieving followers)!
Well, honey, that means it’s time to take a thirst trap. But you don’t want any average bikini pic, one that will blend in with the monotony of infinite scroll. No, you need an object to solidify the impression that you just rolled out of bed. “I woke up like this,” the caption demurs. The fire emojis pour in. “Why were you sleeping in a bikini?” asks absolutely no one, because they are completely entranced by your artistic composition and casual props, such as:
Your Fresh, Pink Infant Baby
Make sure to hold the baby in a loose grasp to ensure that people know this is a casual picture. Because it’s a baby, it won’t know its angles or how to pose. But this isn’t a Kohl’s maternity shoot, it’s a thirst trap, and you are the focus. The baby should be held off to the side, dangling nearly out of frame, and never covering the view of cleavage or abs. Definitely don’t worry about it holding up its head, you’re already carrying this photoshoot on your back.
Your Four Grocery Bags So You Don't Have to Make Two Trips
These grocery bags are overstuffed, precariously placed, and definitely digging into your shoulders. You can hold all four at once to show off your strength, or you can take a low-angle picture with some on the ground to simulate the visuals of you scrambling on the ground when one inevitably rips. You can hold your carton of eggs in the same way you held the baby; it’s not like you’re going to drop it.
Your 24 Fake Plants and the One Wilted Real One
This can be a great way to show you’re not just a hot mom, you’re a plant mom. Pull out the fake orchid from your bathroom, the ambiguous plastic grass, the succulent you accidentally watered. This thirst trap better look like you’re in a jungle furnished by Target. And that brown fauna? The real one with the yellowing, limp leaves that you swore liked low-light? You can put her in the back.
The Vacuum Cleaner You Got Out of the Closet Before You Remembered You're a Feminist Icon
If you think this boss babe is going to spend her life in an apron and full skirt, you’re looking at the wrong girl! Still, it’s a good idea to put your laundry away within two weeks of washing it and to regularly clear out the one chair in your room that holds all your discarded outfits. Especially if that chair is in direct view of the mirror you’re posing in.
A Single Pearl Earring
You lost the other one in Whole Foods parking lot pre-pandemic, during that photoshoot where you held your dog like a clutch purse. In that case, just turn for a more profile view and show the camera your good side.
A Flower Crown and a Shoulder Monkey
Gen-Z will say your flower crown is “cheugy,” but you’ve been doing statement eyebrows since before they were twinkles in the universe. Make sure you smize directly into the camera, and put the monkey on your shoulder. At least he knows how to pose better than the baby.
A Giant Clam Shell
This is a perfect accessory for when you emerge from the surf fully grown or when you want to stand in an anatomically improbable way. Your hair will flow gracefully over your shoulders, and no one will be able to guess that you’ve used dry shampoo for three days straight.
A Man's Head on a Silver Platter
This one’s just to send a message to Greg. And to all the internet trolls, that sit ready, waiting, and foaming at the mouth to tear women down for any silly thing like holding a baby wrong.