Hey kids! Welcome to Career Day at Carter Elementary! My name is Funny Frank, and I’m here today to talk to you all about your future, your careers, and the crushing weight of reality that will kill your dreams!

Now for starters, how about we go around and name some of our dream jobs, shall we?

A princess?

A doctor?

A Nobel prize winner?

Great choices, but you’re all fucked. A Nobel prize winner isn't even a job, Susan, everyone knows that.

You wanna be a princess? Well, Sally, unfortunately, you live in the Midwest, so the closest you’ll ever get to royalty is the White Castle at the strip mall. But let's say you hypothetically did pull a Meghan Markle move. Well Sally, are you willing to accept the crippling reality that your every move would be under public speculation and that your every action could have widespread socio-political consequences? No? Okay, well then you should’ve thought a little harder about your career path instead of sitting around reading Geronimo Stilton Gets Arrested for Tax Evasion. Maybe, instead, you could just be an accountant who wears a tiara and pets a teacup poodle whilst shoveling through student loan debt for the rest of her life.

And what would you like to be, Tommy? A doctor? That’s so sweet. You know, when I was younger, I wanted to be just like the amazing doctor who cured my grandmother of her cancer. Well, guess what? That doctor was sued for medical malpractice after leaving a sponge in someone’s uterus and my grandmother ended up becoming a member of the Italian mafia now. Listen to me, Tommy. Are you willing to accept the cruel fate of the heavens that dictates who lives and who dies? That’s what I thought, go get a business degree, bud. At least then you can spend three-hundred grand on a degree that won't leave anyone with a sponge in their body.

Oh, you still don’t understand? Okay, here’s a short list of questions to help ease you in finding your career path.

  • Are you rich?
  • Are you good-looking?
  • Are you as lucky as the Lucky Charms Man?
  • Does your last name begin with a “K” and end in “ashian”?

If you’re none of the above, I suggest you give up on your dreams now.

What do you mean you’re only “six years old” and this lesson is scaring you? In twelve years, about half of you are going to sign your life off towards billion-dollar educational institutions while the other half of you immediately enter the workforce, only to realize that your dreams will be crushed along that path too.

Except you, Susan. You’ll be pregnant.

Your souls will be crushed. You’ll be bent out of shape. You’ll marry people named Leanne who will cheat on you with grandma’s eighty-year-old mafia buddy, Gianni. You’ll then fly to Italy to get Leanne back, only to realize that she has died under mysterious circumstances. You’ll then be investigated for a crime you never committed, and although you’ll never be indicted for your crimes, your criminal history will forever prevent you from getting high-paying jobs. You’ll forever be stuck as “Funny Frank” who teaches careers to first-grade classes, even though your name is Paul.

Well, would you look at that, that’s my time kiddos! I would love to stick around, but I have to hop on a flight to Italy to go take care of some business with Gianni. But just remember that you can truly be anything you want in life, as long as you get past the crushing weight of reality that none of your dreams will work out! Good luck, and Susan, remember to use protection!


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