Attention Residents,

Many of you have reached out to me ahead of the upcoming lease term with concerns that there might be an active serial killer operating out of one of the apartments in the building. Following a thorough investigation into the issue, I have both good and bad news to report.

The good news is, your suspicions are correct. Those of you who flagged issues like the blood spatter in the entertainment lounge or the hauntingly decrepit smell coming from the dumpsters out back, you should feel proud of your sharp observational skills. That sort of instinct and intuition will take you far in life. Kudos!

The bad news is, we are not able to justify the fact that there is a depraved lunatic murdering and dismembering human people in our building as grounds for canceling our planned rent increase for the 2020/21 lease cycle. We’d love to, we really would, but after all the renovations and improvements we’ve made, I’m afraid our hands are metaphorically tied.

As one of the marquee luxury buildings in the city, we take pride in offering world-class amenities to our tenants. Let’s not let a few small incidents of homicide overshadow the fact we recently installed washer-dryers in every single apartment. Do you realize how rare that is? When I was coming up in this city I would have done anything for in-unit laundry… even if it meant living down the hall from a sociopathic predator who could send me to an early grave at any moment.

You’ll also notice that in addition to the federal agents investigating our halls and the crime scene tape blocking off one of the elevator bays, there’s brand new equipment in the fitness center! That’s right, we replaced those outdated cable rowing machines with state-of-the-art treadmills and ellipticals just like you asked. Getting in peak physical condition has never been easier—which should come in handy should you find yourself in a run-for-your-life type scenario.

On top of all that, we’ve made good on our promise to renovate the rooftop lounge. I know that was an important one for you all before the whole “people turning up dead” thing suddenly became the issue du jour. Now, you can enjoy brand new patio furniture, gas grills, and panoramic vistas that’ll make all of your stress and worries vanish without a trace.

While we can’t provide you with the monetary relief you were hoping for, you should feel good that the increased rent you’re paying each and every month is helping us resolve this nagging issue. We’ve been able to outfit the doormen with bullet-proof vests, reinforce the locks on everyone’s doors and remove anything that could possibly be used as a lethal weapon from the common areas. Problem pretty much solved!

Finally, I wanted to let everyone know that due to a string of unexpected vacancies in 24A, 34D, 2F, and 15C (may they rest in peace), we’re bringing back our resident referral program. So if you happen to know anyone looking for a new apartment, please let them know that we will have several gorgeous and completely furnished units available once the forensics unit finishes scrubbing them for DNA. There’s never been a better time to move in!

Reminder: to avoid late fees on your rent, please have your checks sent to my new, out-of-state address no later than the 5th of the month.

Thank you so much!

Building management