Some of us writers are all Type A, making 27-point outlines of our novels before we even type a single word. Writers like this, of course, are the “plotters.” Others eschew this organization and jump right into the hot seat, writing stream-of-conscious narratives by the seat of their pants (i.e., “pantsers”). Still, some write solely to live out a fantasy that they were never granted in real life: revenge on Frankie Wick, who pantsed them in Ms. Dakota’s weight training class in the 9th grade.
Which type are you?
Where do you do your best writing?
- In your tidy office, surrounded by your three-ring binders
- In a crowded coffee shop, flying high on a quad espresso
- In Planet Fitness, doing lateral pulls, where you are hit with a vivid sense memory of Ms. Dakota’s weight training class. The emotion fuels your imagination. You turn over the day in your mind, and after 15 years, it’s still clear as day. How could little Frankie Wick have snuck up on you so quickly?
What is your favorite writing utensil?
- A set of .7 mm Papermate Flair pens, sorted into warm and cool tones
- Honestly, whatever pen is lying around
- A black fine-tip sharpie that you keep in your weightlifting log, which you bought for tracking your fitness journey. But after a day into your new gym membership, you begin scribbling in the marginalia during cooldown, describing what you’d do if Frankie Wick were to try his little prank again.
Which thematic topics are you most likely to explore in your writing?
- Tradition in Society
- Beauty in Nature
- Special Belts Invented For Holding Gym Shorts Up So Frankie Wick Can Yank All He Wants But These Babies Aren’t Moving
Which author do you spend more time reading?
- George R.R. Martin
- Ray Bradbury
- Frankie Wick, if you count Facebook status updates. While scrolling on the elliptical, your eyes go wide. He’s going back to your hometown for the weekend for his nephew’s birthday party at Froggy Mike’s Arcade & Bumper Boats.
What feedback do you most often get on your writing?
- Well-written, but you need to take more risks
- Creative, but you need to proof-read
- What is this? You left this in the locker room and it’s very concerning. What’s with all these crude drawings of you as a strongman pantsing Frankie Wick? Yeah, I know who these figures are because you labeled them. This diagram of a belt for gym shorts actually isn’t a bad idea, but the rest. Regardless, we’re canceling your gym membership and you’re no longer welcome here.
What would you call a belt made to specifically prevent being pantsed while wearing gym shorts?
- I don’t understand
- Excuse me?
- Un-pants-able Gym Shorts Belt™
What is your ideal writer’s retreat?
- A weekend group writing retreat with a strict itinerary and clear deadlines
- An open-ended stay at a cabin in the woods
- A solo writing trip to your hometown, staying in an apartment across the street from the Froggy Mike’s. The apartment has a fully furnished workshop for building a prototype of the Un-pants-able Gym Shorts Belt™ and plenty of mannequins to use for testing.
You’ve just landed a lucrative book deal. How do you use the advance?
- Split the money between a high-yield savings account and short-term certificates of deposit
- Vegas, baby!
- Buy Froggy Mike’s for over asking price and spend the rest of the lump sum preparing for Frankie Wick’s nephew’s birthday. When it’s time for Froggy Mike to bring out the cake and sing, the amphibian mascot will drop his lighter, and Frankie will spot its ill-fitting fuzzy pants drooping below his bunchy boxer briefs. Perfect pantsing position. How could he resist?
Wait, so you want Frankie Wick to pants Froggy Mike at his nephew’s birthday party?
- It seems like maybe he’s trying to entrap Frankie to prove he hasn’t changed
- Yeah, obviously the Froggy Mike mascot is wearing the anti-pantsing belt thing
- Bingo! Frankie Wick will be so startled by the resistance of the pants that he’ll fall to the ground in confusion .The confusion will turn to horror when I lift the Froggy mask to reveal myself. That’s when the animatronics from the Froggy Jug Band will join me. They’ve all been programmed to pants.
Mostly A: You’re a plotter!
Mostly B: You’re a pantser!
Mostly C: You’re plotting revenge on the kid who pantsed you in high school.