Tech CEOs— If you’re looking to provide your employees a transformative experience or increase attendance rates to your company event because you grossly underestimated company turnover, look no further than me, an Instagram-verified Hollywood sensation.
I’m an Emmy Awards Attending Actor, Part-Time Racing Enthusiast, and Industry Disruptor Addict. I can be the keynote speaker at your next corporate event for a reasonable fee that includes a 5-star hotel, private helicopter, and no legal charges when I berate your interns. I’ve held companies hostage to my improv comedy routines around the country from Starbucks, Nissan Motors, and Bob’s Discount Furniture.
After all, don’t your employees care about what a D-list actor has to say about a software-as-as-service company?
Key Discussion Topics
Corporate Terminology: I can talk about upselling and cross-selling because overselling my performances is an art I’ve mastered in my hand-acting prime. Since I want to sound relatable, I will be abusing buzzwords every chance I get and throwing in some new ones to get your audience thinking “Is this a sick joke?”
However, I will need someone to explain to me what “Cloud Computing” means, because I honestly thought it was the sequel to Requiem for a Dream.
Teamwork Makes Dreamwork Pictures: Like many of your employees, I’ve also had struggles with co-workers and I’ve had a lot of practice clearing the air. That’s why I propose we use those “anonymous” submissions and act out the issue on-stage to let the audience decide who was the bigger buffoon in that scenario. I’m most well-known for my crowd work and by that I mean coercing an apathetic crowd to do trust fall exercises that blur the lines between boss-employee relationships.
Innovate and Motivate: Don’t worry, you won’t hear me speaking in a monotone voice putting everyone to sleep. I’ll be switching between accents every few minutes to not only show off my impressive range, but also to make sure I appeal to your diverse audience. I plan on delivering a gripping 45-minute speech, but we should budget extra time for all my punch lines that will captivate everyone and when I inevitably screw up using a two-button slideshow clicker.
Tailoring My Message: Many people don’t understand the range I have—TV, film, and acting like I’m not hungover while pretending to care about your company’s strategic plans. Since everyone isn’t sick of hearing about COVID-19 yet, I’ll talk about how thankful I was able to take a sabbatical this year and focus on myself while everyone else struggled with unemployment checks.
I’ve also found audiences respond better when it feels like I’m speaking to each audience member personally, so I’ll be using a lot of phrases like, “You guys could be self-made millionaires too if you were born in the right circumstances.”
Unnecessary Name Dropping: I’ll casually talk about the time I surfed with President Barack Obama in Hawaii and subtly imply that it was better than anything they’ll ever attempt to do in their pathetic 9-5 lives. We can negotiate how much merch we’ll be selling in the lobby, but we should definitely include some signed photos of me in my Costco modeling days.
Also, I will require a highlight reel from all my past successes projected on the big screen with my pump-up song “Rockstar” by my favorite band and personal friends, Nickelback.
- For $100,000 more, we can do a Q&A session, but don’t worry my team can plant some softball questions so no one brings up the culturally insensitive remarks I’ve tried to bury from six months ago.
- For $500 more, I’ll lead your company in a hot yoga session (suits required because it’s still a professional setting).
- For free, I’ll shout at them with a “C’MONNNN you can do better than that” when no one responds to my animated greeting at 7 AM.
Feedback & Testimonials
- “Why did we bring in the Walmart Version of George Clooney?”
- “Did he really try to relate his one summer working at a country club to our everyday middle-class struggles?”
- “Why did he speak in a French accent when listing off his hand-acting roles?”
Submit Your Request Today
Any business article will say that an investment in your people is an investment in your company. However, not many know that letting me regurgitate my IMDB accolades while promoting my new movie, is also an investment in your company.
If you’re interested in booking me, have your people call my people. Remember, it’s not about what your employees gain from it, but about bragging rights to your other 1% friends.