Welcome to your life as a child, a luxury vacation package!

Hello child! Welcome to your life! You’ve been lucky enough to draw the sought after white, middle-class, dual-working parent scenario. This is great news, since it means life will be easier for you than most others straight out of the gate.

We do regret to inform you that you’ve drawn the United States as your home country, which isn’t bad but does come with some annoying limitations. The first of which is a truncated timeline for you and your tour guide to adjust to each other. You’ll get, let’s check the paperwork here, ah 6-8 weeks. Not bad. Had you drawn almost any other developed nation you’d get the better part of a year, but hey, some US new arrivals only get a few days with their tour guides, so it could be worse. We’d like to say we’re working on it, but we don’t believe in lying to innocents.

Let’s move on.

So, after 6-8 weeks adjusting to the world at home with your tour guide you’ll spend a chunk of every weekday in an off-campus small group excursion that includes numerous educational and socialization options, complete with lunch and small plates/drinks and a two-hour window set aside for napping or mediation. Lucky you!

Your life package also includes the following:

  • A personalized wakeup call every weekday to ensure excursion promptness
  • A personal chef providing a combination of interesting new foods and comforting meals and snacks on demand outside of excursion hours
  • Numerous in-house entertainment options including music, dramas, comedies, athletic activities, nature walks, swimming, games, and arts and crafts
  • A nightly relaxing bath drawn to your preferred temperature, followed by turndown service, bedside storytellers and soothing sound machine

Sounds great, right? But that’s not all! You’ve lucked into a package that includes all of this plus:

  • A personal wardrobe that is kept curated for season, taste, and size
  • Two personal drivers
  • Maid service
  • In-house handyman services
  • Fun mail only (i.e. cards with stickers/money from relatives and packages including that cool thing you saw on TV)
  • Various weekend excursions specific to your interests
  • Two personal assistants to keep your schedule, make all appointments, hold all your trash, and generally assist as needed

The best part? This package is provided completely free of charge (mostly because of labor laws) and will last the better part of the next two decades!

Of course there is some fine print: given the aforementioned country of origin, all of this is subject to change at any time if your tour guides/personal assistants/drivers/chefs/handyman/maid or you happen to fall ill and incur enormous medical bills. A fifty percent chance your country’s leadership will accidentally-on-purpose enter into a war, from which you might encounter some reverberations or direct impacts comes standard and is non-negotiable. Educational pursuits are only included in this offer from years 6-18, preschool and college are based completely on variable financial circumstances outside of your control. You may or may not find yourself at the end of this childhood life package in the middle of an unsolvable climate crisis, of which we will not be held responsible for regardless of actual documented responsibility. Contempt and wrath of the generation that came before you is a non-transferrable time-honored tradition and may be exchanged for your own version after the introductory period of 40 years.

We hope you enjoy your stay!

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.