Dear Kevin,

Thank you very much for your interest in the Senior Analyst position at Questlytics. Given that the entire lifecycle of your interview process was rife with mistakes, we are unable to move forward with your candidacy at this time.

We hope that this decision comes as no surprise to you. Although due to the previously undisclosed nature of the evaluation criteria you were scored against, it likely will.

To clarify, we are an equal opportunity employer and do not discriminate against candidates on the basis of race, ethnicity, religion, sex, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability status, or veteran status. However, we can and will discriminate based on any number of other factors unbeknownst to you.

For legal purposes, the reason for you not receiving an employment offer will be recorded as “not a culture fit.”

The first warning sign occurred during your initial phone screen when you declined to state your desired salary. This indicated to us that you are indecisive and have commitment issues. Had you instead clearly stated your compensation requirements, this would have shown that you lack passion and are only motivated by financial incentives. Two sides of the same red flag.

We understand that you graduated from the University of Michigan. An impressive school that consistently produces very capable alumni. Unfortunately, our hiring manager happened to go to Michigan State, your alma mater’s #1 rival. Needless to say, this was a major strike not in your favor. Go Spartans!

When you came in for your first on-site, we admit that you were outfitted rather sharply. “Dress to impress,” you did. You may recall getting ready that morning and knotting your tie into a half-Windsor. Or, as we call it here, “the coward’s Windsor.” Of course, this significantly counted against you.

During your first interview of the day, you met with one of our senior managers, Bryan. At the meeting’s conclusion as you thanked him for his time, you accidentally called him by the wrong name: “Brian,” with an “i.” Despite both names sharing the same pronunciation, Bryan could sense your uncertainty with regards to the spelling, and was deeply offended by the mistake. Naturally, this was the final nail in the coffin for you.

You may be wondering then, rightfully so, why we brought you back for a third-round interview if we had already made the choice to not hire you during round two. This was done for training purposes so that our staff could learn how to identify the traits of a person we could never envision working at this company. The exercise proved very beneficial for our employees and we appreciate your unknowing participation.

And even though your fate was already sealed, you reaffirmed our decision by following up with a “thank you” email which was received at a time ending in a prime number, which just feels wrong.

Why do we make candidates suffer through such an impossible system of assessment? Well, these abstruse processes were in place when I started, and I’m not really one to rock the boat, you know? I suppose I lucked into my own position because I happened to wear trousers with eight belt loops instead of the traditional seven, which seemed to impress the team. This does shed some light though on why the Head of Talent Acquisition’s LinkedIn headline reads “Agent of Chaos.”

As to not dwell too much on the negative, I should note there is some good news: we will be keeping your résumé on file. The file that your résumé will be added to is known internally as “Rejected Applicants.”

We wish you luck in your job search, and hope that this unsolicited feedback serves you well.

Keep in mind that we are constantly monitoring our staffing needs, so we welcome you to keep in touch and apply again in the future in case we decide to arbitrarily change our hiring standards.

Questlytics Human Resources Department