Greetings, citizens of The Uncertain Times. We are senior student council members of the Class of 2120 here at The X Æ A-Xii Preparatory School. We've traveled back to 2020 to beg you, please, stop making so much goddamned history.

We're only a few weeks into our “Modern World: January to December 2020” AP course and, holy shit, is it kicking our asses. Do you realize how much happens this year? It is single-handedly the densest 12 months in human history. Seriously, so dense.

We won't bore you with the advanced curricula students are subjected to in the year 2120. Suffice it to say the cranial implant required for HIST-2020 is twice the RAM of all other history classes combined. That includes “TikTok & The Rise of Dance-Based Imperialism,” “Early Streaming Services & Reproduction Rituals” and “Behavioral Economics: How The Latte Crippled A Generation.”

For those of us looking to get into a Disney+ League college, acing HIST-2020 is the last hurdle. And for student-athletes seeking scholarships to play in the soon-to-reopen MLB, a failing grade is a dealbreaker.

Maintaining an “A” has not been easy. We've already delivered hours upon hours of holo-presentations on the deaths of 1 billion animals during the Australian brush fires. The rise of murder hornets, the impeachment of President Trump, and the calamity that arises when the two team up in August.

It's a lot to absorb in one semester. Even with our handy Google Lens devices to assist in the immersive study.

Ah, right. You've never heard of the Google Lens in your time. To put it lightly, it is a complex futuristic device which allows its wearer to perceive worlds within worlds.

Of course, 2020 isn't all bad. The Black Lives Matter protests are the foundation for a multitude of political and socio-economic referendums. Thanks to BLM we all live in harmony in 2120. There is no police state and systemic racism has ceased to exist. All colors and creeds thrive, under the all-knowing rule of Xorthean Alpha.

This is why we've chosen this point in 2020 to drop in. Now that the world has come together and risen up against oppression, maybe hit pause on the history-making. Freeze yourselves inside one of your mythical iced bergs for the next six months. Or hypersleep in one of the many space Teslas orbiting the planet.

Trust us, you're not missing much once the second half of the year kicks into gear. There's no global occurrence that “Slaps” outside of a few isolated incidents:

A side effect of Fall 2020's COVID-19 vaccine is the ability to alter one's own genetic code; Joe Biden loses to Bernie Sanders in Agni Kai and concedes the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination; Mark Zuckerberg becomes self-aware. And so on.

It's pretty bland. But cram it into an all-nighter and it really piles up.

In conclusion, we at X Æ A-Xii Prep along with future students everywhere appreciate your consideration. Now excuse us as we pile into this phone booth and time-jump to whatever year the Magna Carta was signed.


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