Day 1, Check-In 1

Greetings! We’ve decided to hold these regular video check-ins to stay virtually connected and keep morale up as we all adjust to the “new normal.” While these check-ins are completely voluntary, they are also strongly, strongly recommended and will be factored into your performance reviews.

Also, I will be transitioning from Chief Human Resources Officer to the newly created Director of Organizational Morale.

Day 2, Check-In 7

Morning team! I want to address something that’s been brought to my attention about my title. Director of Organizational Morale does not spell out DOOM because the “O” in “of” wouldn’t be included in the acronym. Technically, the acronym for my title would be DOM, as in DOM ZAMPAGNA our former Director of New Grants who, by the way, was never referred as our DONG because, well, I just explained why.

Also, Linda, can you please enable your video function?

Day 9, Check-In 63

Hi, team! Kudos to Todd in Accounts Receivable for sharing his outstanding remote-work morale-booster. Every Wednesday Todd has taken to wearing a different hat ­­as, quoting Todd here, “a feeble attempt to break up the depraved Groundhog’s Day-like existence of this grotesque nightmare that is slowly eating away at my sanity like maggots feasting on a fresh corpse.” Oh, Todd.

Despite the dramatic language—remember we do have a robust Employee Assistance Program—we thought Silly Hat Wednesdays was a wonderful idea and have decided to make it a weekly event! And Linda, still not seeing you, dear. Just click the video icon in bottom left of your screen.

Day 12, Check-In 74

Hey everybody, I’d just like to address some of your concerns.

While the Teams technology is indeed exceptional, there is simply no way for us to know just by looking at you that you haven’t brushed your teeth in days. Still, it’s just good hygiene to brush your teeth before the start of each workday, remote or on-site.

Now, visually, your co-workers will be able to tell if you’re not wearing pants if: A. Your camera is angled downward at 30-degrees or greater. We saw this last week with Barry; or B. if you stand suddenly to shoo your cat away from your workstation—again, unfortunately, this was also Barry.

Day 17, Check-In 122

Good morning, team! Small ask here: Would all parents kindly refrain from changing their children’s diapers on their workstations while they’re on camera? It's just very disconcerting for those of us who have weak stomachs (Tina, Randy, Mike S) or who hate children (Maura, Mike S). Simply turn off the camera icon, and your live feed will be replaced with a headshot just like the updated one of Todd we’re seeing right now with his snazzy “The End Is Nigh” hat.

Day 29, Check-In 149

This is going to be quick, gang. Leadership has decided to discontinue the “Virtual Home Tours” initiative after Barry spent his entire tour chronicling the impressive contents of his medicine cabinet and explaining in great detail his recipe for an “oblivion cocktail.”

And Linda, this is the last time I’m going to ask nicely: Turn on the damn video!

Day 41, Check-In 155

Happy Silly Hat Wednesday everyone!

What’s that say on your hat, Todd? You Had Me At Staring Into The Abyss? Wow, that’s dark. Listen, while the company still wants the majority of you to keep the video function on during these check-ins, we have asked a few employees to switch to the audio-only. These are employees whose appearance was deemed too disturbing for their co-workers, and they have been notified individually.

Linda, I apologize. I now see why you were so reluctant to turn on your camera.

Also, thank you for disabling your video during yesterday’s outburst, Stephen. However, if that happens again, please disable the sound, as well? Many of us are having a tough time forgetting the sickening sound of, what I’m guessing was your head, repeatedly striking your keyboard while you screamed until you broke down in tears.

Day 53, Check-In 160

Great news, team! Tina in compliance stumbled upon an excellent stress-reliever if you’re feeling a touch of the existential dread that’s been seriously impacting productivity of late. All you need for this one is a stick, your shadow and a lot of pent up rage. Simply use your stick as a weapon to mercilessly attack your own shadow until your muscles give out in pure exhaustion. You probably won’t be able to go more a few minutes at first but, correct me if I’m wrong, Tina, didn’t you go for a half hour the other day? And you probably would’ve gone even longer you hadn’t vomited all over yourself.

Day 67, Check-In 165

Hello, hello! Is there anybody out there?

Not just a Pink Floyd lyric, it’s a genuine question about the poor attendance as of late.

For those loyal attendees who asked about all the jars around my workstation, here’s the situation: I filled a series of large mason jars with my own urine because I’ve been too weak and hopeless to make the trek down the hall to my bathroom. I like having the piss jars right there to remind me that as long as I’m still able to produce urine, I am still technically alive.

Day 72, Check-In 266

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (sweeps the piss jars off desk in one swift movement; glass shatters everywhere.)

Day 75, Check-In 267

Great news! The governor has lifted the lockdown! Leadership asks that you return to the office next Monday and never speak of the things you saw and heard during these virtual check-ins. We’ll be distributing non-disclosure agreements shortly.

Also, we’ve decided to keep Silly Hat Wednesdays going upon the return to the office.